I'm just a kid
And my life is a nightmare
-Simple Plan

walang kwenta.
mahina.
tanga.
ako.

tang ina.

kung kailan dapat malapit ako sa mga kaibigan ko, saka ako napalayo.

pakiramdam ko tuloy mahina ako. lumabas tuloy ang... basta. hindi maganda pag lumabas yun. may masamang nangyayari pa lumabas yun.

akala nya pinaglalaruan ko siya. nasaktan ko siya. gusto ko rin saktan sarili ko. pero hindi rin pwede, kasi nangako ako. anong gagawin ko sa sarili ko?

...

i forced myself to be happy. thats what she wanted. i hated to be happy while she was in pain, if that was the way to make it up to her, then f*ck, i'd be happy.

at least for the day.

******

tita lala and tito pietro brought us into manhattan. they went off to work while mom and i headed to the tram  station. we boarded, crossed the river, and got off at the other side. and just like that, i was standing on roosevelt island. i was standing on the soil where i spent the first five years of my life.

it was a walk down memony lane.

the wind was as cold and brisk and welcome as ever. we stopped at the restuarant/deli/bar we always used to go to. its called something else now, but the damn good cheesecake and hot chocolate we always ordered is still served there. then we started walking. we passed by our old church. our apartment building. the playgrounds, the sandbox, the pool, the parks I used to play in. the fields where i used to catch fireflies and have picnics. the path we walked to get to the end of the island where the lighthouse stood, and where we watched people fish. the whole time, mom and i laughed and reminisced.

we made our way back into manhattan, and met up with tita lala again, along with tita cynthia (another old classmate of theirs) and sr blaise (an old teacher of theirs). we had lunch together. at the table, i was falling asleep. maybe i should stop getting up at three in the morning (...nah, hehehe). after we ate we went to the metropolitan museum. its huge, bigger than i remember. we took a look at the byzanthium exhibit. there were a lot of religions icons. i enjoyed the depictions of the angels. sr blaise and tita lala left after that. mom, tita cynthia and i headed downstairs to the ancient greece exhibit.

my head started throbbing. mom set me down on the steps outside the museum and bought me a pepsi. after downing the can, i leaned my head on my knees and closed my eyes. i dozed off without knowing it and woke up maybe half an hour later. mom had just sat there with her arm around me.

we took a cab down park avenue and got off near starbucks. hot choco for mom, vanilla creme for me. after warming up, we headed down to barnes & nobles and just browsed through the books for about an hour. then we headed to PNB where tito pietro works. mom's friends were holding a prayer meeting there. tita lala was there to greet us, and soon, in came tito jerry and tita lina, tito ferdie and tita merle, tito elliot, tita dino. we had chinese take-out dinner. then they had their prayer meeting while i used the net for a while before falling asleep on the couch.