I don't want to be the one the battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize that I'm the one confused
-Linkin Park

"beija..."
"..."
"get up..."
"..."
"please."
that got to me.
"...mmrr"
i kicked off the covers and sat up, looking up at mom wearily. she bent down and kissed me on the cheek, then left the room. i sighed.

when i climbed into the car, dad squeezed my shoulder before he started driving.

i hadnt been to the village church in ages. i think not since the start of the year. by the time i usually wake up on sundays, mass is already over. same thing goes for dad. and mom wont go alone, so we end up going to a different church, in the afternoons. but this morning, my feet tread upon familiar marble.

we found an vacant pew. the choir began singing. i glanced up at them in the loft. there were two tenors, kuya raffy, our pianist, with marvin. two bases, kuya noel and kuya eric. two altos, ate jean and chesca. and ate pauline, the lone soprano.
me: ang onti nila...
dad: *looks down at me*
me: what?
dad: *looks up at the choir loft, then down at me again*
me: oh, alright...
i left the pew and climbed the spiral staircase. they saw me, i raised my hand at them, and they nodded.
ate pauline: still remember your notes?
me: *inhale* yeah...
sometimes, the only meaning i find in the mass is in singing. maybe coz its the only thing that doesnt seem so ritual.

when we got back home, i found kaiser lying down in the corner of the kitchen. i slumped down against the wall beside him. he moved his head, snuggling against my leg. i stroked his fur.
you didnt get much sleep last night did you, boy?
i remembered feeling his trembling breath underneath my fingertips last night as the storm raged on.

after lunch, mom had us all get into the lancer. migs and chad wanted to go separately in the sentra, but it was kinda busted. we had already reached the grounds of our destination, but werent quite there yet, when mig, who was driving, pointed to the temperature gauge...
mig: dad, thats not supposed to be happening, is it?
the needle indicated overheating.
the boys got out and looked under the hood. i sat in the car with my feet hanging out the open door. mig took a wet rag and began trying to take of the radiator cap (i think).
dad: mapapaso ka.
mig: dont worry, i'll run.
he took it off, and hot water and steam began spewing out. mig backed off quickly but still got wet. he poured water into the thing, which kept it cool enough to get us to our destination.
we walked over to the plot of earth. i set the flowers down, and crouched down beside them. i traced the markings engraved in stone...
Beatriz Valenzuela
i never knew my grandmom. but judging by the way my mom talked about her, and the way my mom loved me, she must've been a great woman.
my gaze turned from that marble slab to another...
Victor Valenzuela it'd already been a year.
mom: hey, dad... how're you doing?
i watched mom's face as she looked down at the grave. it was peaceful. i wish i could look upon death like that. my face was probably blank. but behind empty features lie a lot of emotion... sadness. relish. and even... longing.
dad wanted to visit his own father's grave, which wasnt so far from where we were. so we walked there. i brought up the rear of the line.
mig: beija! catch! *kicks a fallen fruit at me*
me: *catches it with my foot* *raises eyebrow*
mig: *laughs*
me: *smirks*
we reached the grave.
mig: hey, what happened to the gold lettering?
dad: it was stolen some time ago. that's why your lola had that new black slate put there.
chad: the date is wrong... isnt it supposed to say '79?
mig: yeah, it says '75. but thats before i was born. that means i never knew him! *turns to me* beija, i've been living a lie!
me: *laughs head off*
as we left the the grave, i looked down at it one last time. walking back to the car, i was in front of the line this time, with the wind whipping around me.