I've woken now to find myself
In the shadows of all I have created
-Evanescence

question: anyone who might consider transfering to section 3?
raised hands: camille, alex, me
it was talked over. in the end, nothing happened. too many complications.

we walked out of the CA's office and back into the classroom. i picked up my bags and brought them outside to where therese and joanne were waiting. i looked over my shoulder. a small group had gathered around cam and lex. i put my bags down and headed back in.
"sinong lilipat??"
"wala nga, hindi itutuloy!"
most dispersed at that. three remained - karla, jean and april.
karla had tears in her eyes. jean kept insisting we should stay. april kept hugging me.
me: hey, relax, we're not going anywhere.
karla: its... argh. maybe i was blind when i saw this class as united.
camille: we're united here.

...

we're just not happy here.

that night was the birthday party of my granduncle. we had planned to arrive after the mass, but walked in on the homily. so we stood at the back, until it was done. then lila came over and dragged me to "the cousins' table". i downed a glass of root beer before doing the duty of going around and greeting everyone. then i returned for another glass. dinner was served soon after that. the food was great, especially the lechon. one of my cousins played a few numbers on the guitar. and his wife sang a couple of songs. then there were some speeches. and a slideshow. then the part we had all been waiting for - the dance number by the "the cousins". they kept telling me to join them.
me: i didnt get to practice with you guys!
tito boy: it wont matter. really.
well. it did matter.
...but only just a bit.
ang adik nila! gutsy lept around throwing confetti. gizmo was shaking like an epilectic.we were clutching our stomachs.
i wouldnt mind making a fool of myself with those guys though.


*****

we were sitting on the ledge in the penthouse, wathching our classmates do cartwheels and dance moves. then somewhere from beside us we heard a small thud, followed by several high pitched exclamations.

looking over my shoulder, i saw a bird lying on the floor.

"its hurt..."
"yung pakpak ata..."
"someone pick it up..."

april stretched her hand out, but it tried to flutter away, and she backed off. i approached, kneeling down slowly, and gently as i could manage took it into my hands. mars placed her hand on my shoulder, i nodded, and we headed for the satellite clinic. no one was there. when we had left the penthouse, ms ajero wasnt there yet, but there was a good chance she was now.

mars: i'll just go up and tell her about this... you go on to the clinic... o kaya maghanap ka ng manong.

i just nodded. she headed back up, and i headed down the last flight of stairs. i stopped when i got to the caf, and just looked down at the bird in my palm. i stroked it with my thumb.

then...
it flew.

...

i guess broken wings heal.



i sat down in the chair beside her. from the corner of my eye, i saw her wipe her eyes.
"whats wrong?"
"nothing."
i sighed inwardly, shruged and slumped onto the table. i had just been musing over how distant we were becoming again.
i'm not a part of their lives anymore.

later in the day, she admitted something to me. she's scared of me.
"thats why i didnt want to you to see me crying this morning." 
"why were you crying?"
"i was thinking about some... bad memories."
"what memories?"
"i dont want to think about them anymore."
"..."
"i used to show my dark side to you. ngayon... wala nang nakakakita. but i dont think i can keep in for much longer. yknow i wish i was like you. able to hold everything in."

...

you dont want that.
trust me.

...

i know what you want.

"you want the old me back?"
"yes. but i know you cant do that."

...

*puts mask back on*

its easier than you think.