Yeah, everybody's got a bomb
We could all die any day
But before I let that happen
I'll dance my life away
-Prince

oh, so I'M the one who'll never change?
you're probably right.
i probably wont.
BUT LOOK WHO'S FRIGGIN' TALKING!

...

i need to get into another pillow fight.

Come stand a little bit closer
Breathe in and get a bit higher
You'll never know what hit you when
I get to you
-Savage Garden

i didnt want to pull away.

In the memory you'll find me
Eyes burning up
-Linkin Park

leaning against the railing in the corridor.
somnus: its not the end of the world, man.
kinfeh: no, it isnt...
after all, the world moves on even when we dont.

hanging around the locker areas.
mars: there's something i wont forget about you.
me: hmm?
mars: may nagmura ng "holy shit", tas sinabi mo na "its hard to think of crap as holy."
i wouldnt mind being remembered that way.

Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
I want to go back to
Believing in eveything
And knowing nothing at all
-Evanescence

she was seated with her dad drinking coffee. i approached. grinning, i tapped her head.

she saw me from the other side of the glass. i watched as she got up, came out of the store, and hugged me. i hugged her back.

he sat down at the table, dripping wet, although he had a waterproof jacket on. he turned to me.
"...are you cold? want a hug?"
"touch me and die."
*laughs*

Wheels I guess are turning
somewhere inside my head
I know that this is
deeper than you get
-Vertical Horizon

we're drifting apart again.

"talk."
"i'm a mediocre person who talks about nothing but bishies."
"so talk about bishies."
"you're blank when it comes to bishies."

it was giving me a headache. i wanted to bring my head down onto my own fist.

but by the end of the day i wanted to drive my knuckles into someone else's face. for once.

i standing by the window, sneering, trying to block out all their noise from the other side of the divider.
you can all go to hell.
i turned around and sat on the observer's table and put my feet up on the backrest of the chair in front of me. resting my head between my arms, i waited till i could hear then moving out.

when they did, i got up sullenly and walked out into the hallway. she was there, with a dark look on her face.

i half-smiled.

one thing that can bring us back together is something we're both royally pissed at.

After my picture fades
And darkness has turned to gray
Watching through windows
You're wondering if i'm okay
Secrets stolen from deep inside
The drum beats out of time
-Cassandra Wilson

hakkai:

"even if you destroy everything in this world, the world you wish for will not come." 

"you can't save him with principles."

"you must be feeling fear in your whole body right now and how powerless you are. become strong. crying over reality and sulking won't change anything. you understand, don't you? dying is not an easy thing to do."

when i grit my teeth...
i still look like i'm smiling.

"i don't want you to have the same wound as i have."

I'm so green, it's really amazing
I'm so clean, too bad I can't get all the dirt off of me
I'm so sane, it's driving me crazy
-Barenaked Ladies

kagaguhan.

me: chesca. *points at lex* glomp her.
chez: what?
me: glomp her.
lex: sandali, sadali... ang pagkarinig ko kasi "hump her".
me: *falls down on the floor and rolls with laughter* pota.
chez: *humps the divider*
me: *falls down on the floor laughing*

lex: sabi ng bard "i have a big guitar."
me: sabi ng girl "i've been looking for a guy with a big instrument."

*high five*

It's like I'm paranoid looking over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
-Linkin Park

conversation i had with issa, pia, and paulyn the other night. this is just the gist of it, there was a lotta other nonsense in between the lines. mostly laughter.
us: *talking about teachers who couldnt speak english*
me: shet, thats screwed.
pia: hoy! magmumura na nga lang, hindi pa tinama!
me: sorry. shit, then.
pia: better.
me: hmm...ms ovalles, our english teacher in first year
pia: what? taught you how to curse?
me: she pronounced "battle" as bottle, and "bottle" as battle. ...if i learned to curse from her i really would be screwed. then again, i dont have any screws.
pia: right, you lost 'em all!

*****

a sea of faceless strangers. some of them i can name, but even then i dont know them. they're empty. cold.

and the easiest way to walk amongst them is with the mask on.

it was a bit nostalgic, going through the halls with their voices echoing in my mind. especially hers.


one thing good about school-
its a good distraction.
at least...
partly.

What if I lost my direction?
What if I lost sense of time?
What if I nursed this infection?
Maybe the worst is behind
-Barenaked Ladies

i used to

thats a phrase that i seem to be using more and more. there are so many things i seem to have left behind. my own self included.

*****

i stood at the edge of the pool, looking down into the water. i felt like jumping in. i just wanted to let loose and do something crazy. but as i've done so many times before, i suppressed myself, and walked away.

i went back into the sala and lay down on the couch. i draped my arm over my eyes and attempted to sleep, to fall back into the space of my subconscious, both light and dark.

but paolo came in from the dining room. through the door, i could hear the laughter of my parents and their friends. it was silenced when he closed the door again. he settled into an armchair, raising his hand at me. i sat up and slipped on my glasses, eyeing him. he was much older than me, but he didnt look it.

we talked.

he had just gotten home recently after spending four years in the states. he was still readjusting to being back, both physically and emotionally. i mostly just nodded my head. i'd never been close to the guy, though our fathers have been best friends since way before either of us can remember. but there we were, having probably the first actual real conversation with each other.

i remembered visiting his brother, nicky, in the hospital last december. two days before chirstmas, and the guy was shot in the chest. twice. by a stupid security guard. stupid. my eyes wandered to the door of the bedroom, where he was napping. he still had one bullet in him.

i slapped paolo's hand as we left.
"give it time. hang in there."

Cause these are the days worth livin'
These are the years we're given
And these are the moments
These are the times
-The Calling

things i learned on june 5, 2004
1) chinese costumes and pigtails are adorable.
2) eggplants when used in the right way can look so wrong.
3) eggplants when used in the wrong way can produce hilarious results. and they can hurt.
4) sliding doors are excellent for pranks.
5) want a riot? all it takes is a little icing.
6) hold back for the right moment. the wait is worth it.

I have dreamt of a place for you and I
-Evanescence

there she was, set against the waxing moon, its light cascading down on her, like a silver cloak. fireflies danced in the tall, soft grass about her feet.

and she danced.

she was absolutely stunning.

i stepped out from behind the tree and into the clearing. not once did my eyes leave her as i made my way towards her.

she didnt notice my approach till i was near. her eyes widened slightly in surprise when she saw me, and knowing i had been watching, she blushed. i smiled gently, reaching out to stoke her cheek.

then i felt raindrops against my skin. she tilted her head up at the clouds blanketing the heavens as they showered down upon us. taking my hand, she steered me back to the edge of the clearing. we sought shelter under the same branches whose shadows i earlier used to conceal my presence.

with her back against the tree, she tugged playfully at my collar. i complied, moving closer, placing my hands on either side of her. she brushed away a couple of stray wet locks from my face, before draping her arms over my shoulders. i trailed my fingers down her neck. there was much i could have said then, but...

the silence of a kiss is worth more than a thousand words.

A small reflection on when we were younger
We had it all figured out, cuz we had everything covered
Now we're older, it's getting harder to see
What this future will hold for us
What the fuck are we going to be
-Trapt

strike two!

our plans to go to enchanted kingdom were foiled once more. camille, maecy, therese, joanne, and i looked out the windows of the car, watching the rain beat hard upon the glass. therese's parents didnt want to push through. i was sore about it, but didnt want to strike up any arguements.
before turning back on the express way, we stopped at the shell station for lunch. i was going alone for kfc, and had to cross the roadway. joanne lent me her raincoat and i pulled it over me. i joined cam and jo later in greenwhich. therese and maecy followed from jolibee.
we couldnt go back to manila coz the car was coded. so we ended up in alabang festival supermall. we stepped into beauty bar just for the heck of it. they hovered over the items and products, while i mostly just stood behind them smirking. joanne wanted to browse through titles at the book fair, so we did, and she got herself a few things to take home. then we went up an escalator and spotted comic alley. we immediately rushed in and began glowering over the merchandise. then we left and headed into the arcade to play some rounds of house of the dead. we discovered a few more anime stores. maecy and i were browsing through some of the dvds when...
maecy: *taps me on the shoulder, points to one of the dvds*
me: oh my god, its...
maecy: its hentai!
me: its yuri!
maecy: shh! lets stop this. *flips to the next dvd*
me: *muffled laughter* and there's more of it! ahaha!
after that, we split up. maecy and jo watched the day after tomorrow, while cam, therese and i went for shrek 2. we came out of the cinema laughing our heads off. the other two werent out yet so we decided to wander around a bit. we ended up in the back arcade to shoot down more zombies. when we didnt have any more tokens, went back upstairs to jolibee. i had zilch left in my pocket, so i just sat down as they lined up and made their orders. as we left the place, cam handed my a sundae. i whacked her, then thanked her. we met up with maecy and jo and brought our sundaes into mcdo, where the two also bought sundaes. then maecy stood up.
maecy: mag-aabang lng ako.
me: *raises eyebrow* ng ano?
maecy: *grins*
me: *stands up and follows her outside*
maecy: you're going to join me?
me: *leans on the railing* just to keep you company. i dont need to look. nor do i want to. *smiles*
maecy: *chuckles*
then therese's parents met us, and we left the mall. maecy wasnt feeling too well. she slumped against the car seat trying to doze off. later on, she had her head on my knee. cam took this oppurtunity to take a stolen sleep shot of her. maecy later retaliated by taking a pic of cam, the flash practically blinding all of us.

therese dropped off the rest of us at cam's place, then headed home. we stayed in cam's room before maecy's parents arrived to pick her up. cam, jo and i played some ps2 after seeing her off. then we were fed dinner. satisfied, we returned to the ps2. i waited for papu to get off the phone, then i called sop and we talked till dad came and i left.

i crashed down onto my bed, falling asleep nearly instantly.

Believe me
I'm just as lost as you
-Trapt

i walked into the house, towel draped over my shoulders, bangs hanging in front of my face, water drops falling from their tips. outside, the morning sun hid behind the clouds, while the rain continued to beat gently upon the earth, and the wind still carried the words i'd sung...

a warm touch on my cheek.
mom: you're as white and cold as ghost.
me: my blood doesnt have much life in it right now.