I think about your face
And how I fall into your eyes
The outline that I trace
Around the one that I call mine
-Trapt

we were getting wet as we practiced by the pool. i didnt really mind since i'd be getting wetter later. after some, later i had to go off to find the team. after wandering around most of the campus, i was able to catch most of 'em. when i got back, we practiced a bit more before i got ready. amusing things happen in shower rooms.
"der's a leeeeech in da beytrum!"
soon, the teams were in the water. i wasnt as tense as i thought i would be. green, yellow and red were all using one goal. we had fun warming up together. after about an hour, ms iggy started the tournament. we werent in the first match so we practiced (more like played) on the side. then it was our turn. we lost to blue (not surprisingly), but i didnt feel so bad. after the championship, ms iggy called another senior vs undergrad game. this time, we outnumbered them. even with ms iggy on their side, it didnt help them much (coz cam had decided to guard her. by clinging to her back. i joined her later). as the time was about to end, cam climbed onto my shoulders and we transported the ball from one side of the pool to the other, ending with a "touchdown" goal.

when i had gotten dressed, we went off to practice again. then we headed up to the multi for the awarding ceremony. it hadnt started yet, the championship game for basketball for basketball was still going on. it was green vs blue again. we sat at the back. i ate my lunch while sop slept on my lap as we waited. the game was over soon enough, with blue as the victor once more. then eveyone took their places for the awarding. they proceeded with the dance presentation (supposedly the last event) without giving the award for polo. i nearly laughed my head off as i watched the blue team's jaws drop. well, they announced it later, anyway.

it was done, and i went off to give my stuff to kuya jonie who was waiting in the back. having done that, i returned to the group. suddenly i felt her tug on my arm, at the same time someone latched onto me. I was rather surprised and confused and my brain couldnt get passed "WTF?" for a while. when she walked away, with those words... i thought i felt something snap in me. i ran after her...

at the house, we settled down, hung around a bit, then practiced some more, then set up the playstation, then got ready, then practiced some more. then it was party time. food, drink, music. after our performance, i went in to have some (spiked) punch.  then went out again to watch the rest of the show. that got cut short though, coz of some spoilsport neighbors. back inside i found mike and cel... jamming (know the awful feeling of seeing your friends in pain? there you have it, ladies and gents). we turned to playing playstation again. then after a while, we retreated behind the bar to use the laptop. i sat / crouched / lay at her feet while she went online. i could hear the others talking on the other side. sometime later they were playing playstation too. people went in and out of the bar, as i drifted in and out of sleep.

a few hours later, i had to go. i lingered around a bit, not wanting to leave. but eventually, i got my stuff (and lalaine) into the car and said my goodbyes.

when i got home, ate daphne put a plate of spaghetti on the the table. i ate what was my brunch. then slept. another few hours later, mom woke me up. sometime later, we were in g4 with her friends. they wandered around, i tailed them. after eating an early dinner at cibo, we parted ways. only tita lala, who had come home from the states, was left with us. we took her to poduim, since she had never been there. after touring the place a bit, we stopped in this store for ice cream. then we brought her home.

i retreated to my room once again, hugging my pillow close to me. it was a poor substitute, but it'd have to do.

We are the people that you hate
We are the bastards that you created
A generation with no place
A generation of all your sons and daughters
-Smile Empty Soul

a day for bumming. we passed time doing mostly two things - guitar and cards.

bluff (more affectionately knows as bullshit)
me: *makes my move*
evans: bullshit.
me: *grins* nope.
evans: *takes the cards* *looks at them*
therese: o, evans, gumalaw ka na!
evans: teka lang! nag-iisip pa ang bullshit.
*laughs*
evans: *makes her move*
jo: *makes her move*
therese: *makes her move*
meacy: *makes her move*
me: bullshit.
meacy: *grins* nope.
me: *takes the cards* *looks at them*
therese: o, bagal, bagal!
me: teka lang! nag-iisip pa ang bullshit 2.
*laughs*
evans: B2, naiisip mo ba ang naiisip ko?
me: sa palagay ko nga B1!
*laughs*
me:  teka, teka, *points to the others* that makes you three the teddy bears!
*laughs*

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn't that be something
-Finger Eleven

we got a lotta kicks out of seeing people in their different costumes. maecy, camille, and i were in our japanese get-ups. so were some of our other friends, and we laughed over the memory of the asianfest. i was falling asleep during the mass. cam's nagging kept me awake. and so were loren and alex, who were making action songs out of the hymns. i joined in.

after the mass we headed to the pool. we hung out there, watching the swimmers, playing my guitar a bit. then we left for lunch. when we got back, there was food on ms iggy's table. so while prepping for practice, i was munching on munchkins and chicharon. after a few practice games, ms iggy called a match between the seniors and undergrads. we were seriously outnumbered but us fourth-years were too happy to be playing together again to care. we lost the game, but not without putting up a fight, and having so much fun.

later, i was in sop's house, trying to learn the songs we were going to play on friday. i was ready to give it up as a lost cause. but eventually, with some pushing (and a teletubby tying back my hair), i was able to get the hang of it, though i still had a lot of polishing to do. food and drink was served in celebration of les' birthday. so for the latter part of my stay, we were chowing down and goofing around.

Because this is dedicated to the kids
Dedicated to where the music lives
Dedicated to those tired of the same old scene
And dedicated to the people advanced in the game
-Linkin Park

the atmosphere around school has suddenly become lax. tension's gone, people are kicking back. for the most part of the day i had nothing to do. so i was psyched to have water polo practice. also, coz it was so friggin' hot. and it gave me an excuse to postpone my make-up tests (which i did study for, but just really wasnt in the mood to take). well, hardly any of the team showed up. there were six of us - three with gear, three without. those of us with suits hooked up with yellow team. meanwhile the blue team took in the only two red players. ms iggy had us in an informal game. that also meant that they would be more lenient when it came to fouls. it was also a plus that cam and i got to play together on the same team again.

"BAKBAKAN NA!"

now i smell like swimming pool.

I'M A DEPRIVED ADDICT.

woof.

And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this
-Lifehouse

i finally arrived starbucks, and lalaine was seated at the table outside. we chatted, bought a few drinks, before getting ourselves a taxi. when we got to metro east, we walked around looking through shops, on the lookout for a top she could wear with this skirt she had. she planned to wear it to les' party. a few possibilities were found, but no purchases were made. after a while we decided to get lunch. "mother-and-son" bonding time over mcdonalds, hahaha. then chex arrived. we talked a bit more, but soon left to roam around again. eventually, lalaine got herself something nice. and then the three of us split the cost of a gift. we wanted to watch a movie too, but found ourselves lacking time. so lalaine and i dropped off chex at the gym, then left for sop's house. she and les greeted us at the door. we hung around, watched movies, ordered pizza. some hours passed before lalaine and i had to split. i crashed on her sofa while waiting for the my car. she had given me some meds, and i was about ready to konk out watching the NBA games as she talked on the phone. sometime later, i was able to find myself home. mom told me to sleep early, so i ate a bit of dinner, then headed upstairs right away. i called sop to say g'night. then i called it a day.

Come, come, dont be afraid
Take my hand, I'll lead the way
Twin blades, bound by blood
Your gateway to dreams
And your numbing escape
-somnus and thanatos

she suddenly held my hand. i blinked and turned to look at her.
"halata bang naiiyak na ako?"
i smiled a faint sad smile.
the first thought that went through my head, was that it wouldnt be the best time for this, since we were minutes away from taking our tests. the second was that she would never take a friendship lightly... even if it hurt her.

my twin brother. cheers.

The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear
-Sarah MacLachlan

SNOOPY

the door slammed. she leaned her back against it as she sank to the floor, burrying her head between her legs. she still held back. she raised eyes slightly and she spotted him on the bed - the one with the shoulder she could let loose on.

she pulled herself up, and dashed to across the room. climbing over the covers, her small hands reached for him. enclosing him in a death grip, she lay down.

and cried.

her tears fell into his fur...
her choked sobs muffled into his body...
her fingers gripped his sweater...

until she was spent...
tired...
fallen asleep...



ten years later...

his frame is now so much smaller than hers...
but he still felt soft against her cheek...
and he's s still the one she clutches as she surrenders to her dreams.

to the late Charles M Schultz, for giving me a friend for life.

Promises mean everything
When you're little and the world is so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
And tell me everything is wonderful now
-Everclear

i was grinning as i climbed the stairs to the classroom.
passing the CA's office, i saw cam, alex, and loren inside talking with ms olalde. i guessed right away what they were talking about. as our other classmates left for the music room, i lingered behind, on the chance they might be done soon. they didnt seem to be, and i was about to leave, when they signaled me to come inside. their discussion seemed to be over. i gathered that whatever had been said wasnt going to reach my ears.
mars appeared at the door. she had arrived late. really late. she submitted a paper to ms olalde, then ms olalde sent us off, reminding cam and lex to keep their lips sealed. the two of them ran ahead, laughing. when we got to the music room, ms ettie asked to see a note, which we didnt have. mars and i went back to CA's office to get it, letting cam and lex stay behind to just wait. back at ms olalde's room, loren was still there. i sat on the stool beside her as mars made out the note.
loren: back so soon? san yung dalawa pa?
me: naiwan dun. tamad bumalik. *pause* ang daya niyo naman. na OP tuloy ako sa usapan.
loren: *pulls me over* *gives me a noogie* thanks for being my friend.
me: *laughs* your welcome.
loren: alam mo... kanina iniisip ko... kung pano kaya kung ikaw yung nagbaba-backstab sa'min... naiyak ako... physics test pa, ahaha... "di ko ma-take kung si bea..."
i half-smiled. and later,
lex: kung mababaw lang tingin ko sa pagkakaibigan natin... sasabihin ko "friend mo siya? hindi kita friend." pero hindi.

we climbed up the small hill in the field, and they started settling down. i borrowed kyra's jacket and rolled all the way down the slope. then i joined them again, finding myself grinning as i sat down. the world was still spinning. some sun, some pizza, some reading, some company, and it didnt take long for me to get high. again.




but it didnt take long for me to sink either.

...

what angers me most is that i know i couldve handled it better.
what scares me most is that i know thats not even half the demon i can be.

Hush little baby, don't say a word
And never mind that noise you heard
It's just the beasts under your bed,
In your closet, in your head
-Metallica

loren: tugtog kapag masama araw mo.

Anything
-The Calling

I will be there
Always waiting
Waiting for you
To let me inside
Where your fire burns
In a city of angels
Just like a river rushing straight into the sea
I'm the one thing meant for you and you for me

Whatever you want
Whatever you need
Whatever it takes
I'll do anything

And as you sleep
Eyes to the window
I'm watching you dream
Well are you dreaming of me?
So why can't you see
You're all that matters
You know if this earth should crack
I'll be your solid ground
I will be there to catch you when you fall down

If I have to crawl
Get down on my knees
Whatever it takes
I'll do anything

I'd take the stars right out of the sky for you
I'd end the world give you the sun, the moon
For all of time, forever loving you

Whatever you need
Whatever it takes
I'll do anything
If I have to crawl
Get down on my knees
Whatever it takes
I'll do anything

(hahaha... was supposed to get only a line or two from that song for the heading of this entry... but i thought, what the heck.)

happy monthsary.


mig: its very hard to be friends with an american. do you have any american best friends?
me: i dont think so... not even when i was in new york.
mig: *picks out a bag of chips* *puts it on the counter* hey, who's that on the cover of cosmo?
me: i dunno. *picks out the mag* *hands it to him*
mig: i asked who it was, not to give it to me.
me: *laughs* *reads the name* *puts the mag back*
mig: *starts heading out the door* you're crazy, beij.
cashier: sir! change niyo po!
mig: ay... salamat. *heads back to the counter* *takes the change*
me: *grins* you're crazier.

me: work you friggin' modem!
chad: it will never work! never!
me: lets use reiki. *wiggles fingers at the modem*
chad: *laughs* you lack the touch!
me: oo nga. dapat si mom gumagawa nito. hmm... *whacks the modem*
*modem lights up*
me: yey, i do have the touch!

me: *leaning back into the carseat*
dad: *sings at the top of his lungs out of nowhere*
me: O_o

and happy birthday kaiser. you're four years into the ways of this helluva family.

That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday morning
And I never want to leave
-Maroon 5

i walked through the door sometime before midnight.
dad: welcome home, cutiepie.
i rolled my eyes. he just laughed softly knowing the smile behind my smirk.

home.

home is a word. and like all words it can be misused. because there are words that cannot capture the essense of something... and something that is so much less than what the degree of the word suggests...

words of an friend.

Is it love tonight
When everyone's dreaming
-The Calling

mom left in the morning. the driver was already back from the airport by the time i woke up. i was on the road when she texted me, probably just before her flight. she wished me well. i did the same.

we finally got in some water polo practice. its just a shame that the team we had last year is now divided coz of the houses. when it was our turn for a practice game, i was faced with cam on the other side. i thought at first it might be disheartening. but i found myself grinning, and she was grinning right back.
ms iggy: *points to me* nakakatakot. handa nang pumatay o. *points to cam* isa pa yan.
we lost that game. and the next one too. but we still had a lotta fun. the other games we just watched and cheered "seniors! seniors! seniors!" with no regard to house colors. we joked around a bit in the showers, as usual.

after that we watched a show. i dont think they intended it to be a comedy, but thats how it turned out. mostly because of the gay guy. we were laughing our asses of at his antics. but he was really a show-saver. i wouldve been bored to death if not for him. its too bad i kinda had a cold and wasnt really able to appreciate the rest of the performance. but i was kinda compensated by making my friends laugh when i sneezed real loud just at the end of one scene. the sound system was also so bad, we could hear the stage managers voices from backstage, and the mics we almost all screwing up.

we didnt have CAT. thankfully, kuya jonie actually turned up early, and i didnt have to wait till 4:30. i brought cam home coz she had practice at pinktoes and wanted to get home as soon as possible. she's starting to open up again..

back home i just lounged around playing with the dog after calling sop. he's got a scar on his head now. and he keeps opening up the wound when he scractches.

Somewhere in this darkness
There's a light that I can't find
Maybe it's too far away...
Maybe I'm just blind...
-3 Doors Down

i've done a lotta shit... things i regret, that i would give anything to undo...
but i think i beat myself up more over the things i havent done...

being a better friend... the kind that isnt just for the fun times to laugh and kid around with, but also the one you'd trust to fight your darkest demons.
a better sister... i've discovered that despite the huge pains mig and chad are, they're still better brothers to me than i am a sister to them.
better daughter... to my parents who've spoiled me, while i take them for granted...
lover... who never lets her angel down...

the person i could be...
i wonder if that'll just be another one of my dreams.

I dig my toes into the sand
The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn across a blue blanket
I lean against the wind, pretend that i am weightless
And in this moment i am happy

I wish you were here
-Incubus

i walked the corridor along the labs. then as i neared the area outside the faculty room, i noticed something on the floor. it was... the remains of a frog... namely a frogs leg... and a mush of what i guessed where frog innards... what a way to start a day at school. i laughed the rest of the way up to the classroom.

with nothing to do at the house meeting, i followed loren up to the the multi to watch them play table tennis.
"feel the wrath of my paddle!"
i hung around with cel and mikee. then issa and jo showed up too. we let the time pass by.



two minutes had passed. i grinned at maecy. we started out the door. she lead the way into the bathroom. as i pushed one door open, its suddenly pushed back. i grinned again, and pushed again. i won, and laughter was heard. cel. one down. the next door wouldnt be pushed. so i entered the cubicle next to that, stood on the toilet.
"boo."
"aah!"
two down. no one else in the bathroom. scanned the cartooning club and the empty I-2 classroom. nada. however, we found two camoflauging themselves amongst the members of Bead It. we charged into the bathroom on the other side, drawing some attention to those in the locker area...
ms gaye: hoy! what are you guys up to?
us: *grins* nooothing!
i went into the computer room, where sr iris and sir jimenez raised eyebrows as i whipped around the rows. maecy had more luck outside, in the I-5 classroom, finding quite a number. but there were still a few left to be accounted for. i noticed the door of the broom closet beside the computer room was ajar. i went in. boxes.
me: *opens a box* *sees a head* *taps it* one! *opens another* two! *opens another* three! *pause* *places hands on hips* out with the lot of you!
*several heads appear*
me: *laughs* race you back to room!
more commotion, more laughs.
back at the room...
miz m: what did you feel?
loren: nostalgic...
me: high.
billie: thin. i fit in a box!
childhood stories were told. miz m instructed us to write a piece based on the theme and the feelings and memories that were evoked from the activity. a small group of us remained in the classroom while most went out. we ended up sharing more stories and laughs instead of doing the assigned work.




chad's improv comedy show...
kiko: what question should i ask the oracle?
man in the audience: why dyou have three balls!
kiko: O_o whoa... o..kay... great oracle! why do i have three balls?
oracle head 1: actually, you...
oracle head 2: have...
oracle head 3: four.
audience: *practically falls of thier chairs*

i actually like CAT today. my usual counterpart was absent again, so i taught another kid. i worked with therese since lex was absent. she was kinda intimidated at first coz she feared the lessons to be hard... but as she got the hang of it, she grew more confident and with encouragement, was performing really well. she was a bright kid, with spirit. when i stood up as the session ended, she stood up too and latched her arms around my waist. i smirked, patted her head, then picked her up and carried her to the rest of her group.