Use the talents you posses, for the woods would be very silent if no birds sang but the best.

today was the supposedly our last sulyap-lahi performance. we saw one of our old teachers today - sir louie lorenzo. he was a cool teacher. too bad he left, things were fun with him around. anyway, i asked him if he knew where the proceeds of the show would go. he answered "for the benefit of the doubt". ho ho ho ho ho!

Coincidence is when God works a miracle and chooses to remain anonymous.

i went to school this morning psyched to take my chem make up exam, to realize when i got there that i had forgotten to bring my calculator and periodic table. so stupid. luckily, I was able to buy a periodic table from the bookstore. and i happen to know that sr. iris carries a calculator in her pocket. sr. iris rocks. most of my classmates find her scary, but she's really such a fun person. after the test, camille and i hung out with her in the math lab. camille actually had to do some school work. i just surfed around the net. then we left to pass the time playing cards in the classroom with therese and joanne. we were joined by issa and bea, although they didnt play. bea prefered to watch us whip each others' asses, while issa had her nose in a book again. then we performed and were home-free for the day. alex, chesca, loren and i, along with a friend whose-name-i-will-not-mention, had made plans to go to base 01 (its an internet cafe along brick road. this is where the money comes in). getting there was half the fun. we hitched a ride on chez's bus, so we had sophia, les, angela to keep us company. fun. then base 01 - wow, what a place. we were seated on these huge armchairs and sofas, and there was free bottomless iced tea. they even had a food menu, so we were chowing down on yakisoba. we stayed there for five hours playing ragnarok. then lex and i went home to chez's house. we lounged there for a while till we got picked up.

i cant believe its a saturday tommorow and we have to go to school. good god. i know they're giving us monday off, but still, it feels like it goes against every natural law.

You have to know the rules to know when to break them.

word of the day: stimulate.
dont ask why. i'm not telling. thats between me and a chosen few. *chuckles*

i am convinced that sulyap-lahi is an excuse to torture us. my friends have stated that its just another way to profit at our expense, covered up by making it seem like its educational. i am inclined to agree. if we learned anything from this, its that school sucks. but most of us already know that anyway.

camille, alex, maecy, therese, bea and i ended up bumming around in the ballet studio in the basement of the auditorium nearly all day. issa dropped in on us for a while, but didnt stick around for too long. we ate, sang songs, and talked. therese and maecy left us only once to practice their song, bea twice to practice their dance. me, camille and alex werent called at all. by the afternoon, we were all so bored, we used each other as pillows and fell asleep. we were dead to the world for couple of hours. most of us woke at the same time, camille was the only one left slumbering. she was resting on alex's thigh, which started to ache. so i offered to take her place. we managed to lift her camille's head and settle it down again on my leg without waking her. alex then made to move away, but camille was clutching her pants. hard. i pried of her fingers from the fabric as gently as i could. i succeeded, and alex was free. but as soon as i had done so, camille took my hand into a firm grip. it felt...i dont know how to describe it. it was the closest i had gotten to her in weeks, months. i was almost sad when she finally woke up...

...i need to get some school work done. i've been procrastinating for forever.

Quarrels wouldn't last so long if only one side was wrong.

happy birthday camille! seventeen. you're getting old, old friend. *laughs*

she mentioned to me that she didnt feel like it was her birthday. seemed as if it was any other day. to me, it was just a regular day. but everytime it crossed my mind that my best friend was born today, the sky seemed different. like it was smiling, maybe.

i dont think i'll ever get used to waking up early. haha. this morning i remember my alarm going off one minute, and my fist slamming down on it the next. the thought of playing hooky so i could continue to keep my body tucked under the covers and my head cushioned on my pillow crossed my mind. hardly the first time that had happened. sometimes desire overpowers reason. but today, reason won.

dress tech rehearsal for sulyap lahi. bleah. i dont understand why assumption insists on putting us though this whole ordeal. the only good thing i find coming out of it is no class or homework for two weeks. today, we were mostly just bumming around. snacks were on camille today. after the rehearsal we had a few hours free. camille, maecy, therese, bea, loren, alex, and i settled down on the steps in front of the auditorium. we were making quite a bit of a ruckus. issa soon found us by tracing the noise. she had a book with her. most of the time, she just leaned her head on my shoulder and read. once in a while, she would listen in on our inane ramblings and laugh at our silly jokes. she'd also react to something she had just read every now and then and her very loud outbursts would cause us to jump and stop, then laugh and return to rambling.

i'm at odds again with my brother. well, not really. there's no friction between us. if fact its just the opposite - its....cold.

i didnt mind it much at first. whenever he talks to me, its usually to scold me anyway. over petty little things - everything and nothing. sometimes it feels like he jugdes all my actions. i hated it. it was like someone was constantly breathing down my neck. i was glad for the relief. but now i actually miss him and his lectures on life, the only lectures of his i apprecitate - the cynical insight of an older brother. sometimes i feel that for every five minutes spend listening to him, i learn five times more than what i get out of five hours in a classroom at school.

it occurs to me that he knows me a lot better than i give him credit for too. sometimes i feel like he can see through all the layers around me. ...and nowadays, there arent too many who i can say that of.

A baby is God's opinion the world should go on.

happy birthday therese! seventeen. almost at the ripening age.
happy birthday sophia! eighteen. you can now drink and drive. but not at the same time!

bummed again. cant go party at the beach, cant go bowling at the mall. this sucks.

It doesn't matter if you're on the right track. You'll still get run over if you don't keep moving.

i'm so bummed. i was supposed to go to la union this weekend for sophia's debut. but i'm friggin' sick. i was gonna be emcee and read poetry, plus a small group of us were supposed to do a song number. cant believe i'm gonna miss out on the fun just because my friggin' health chose this time to fail me. damn it.

then again...maybe its for the best. its camille's birthday on monday, and she also has plans for the weekend. if i had ended up going to the beach, there'd be no way i could celebrate with her. least if i'm in town and my body starts to agree with me, i have a shot of goin' bowling in sta. lu. with them. heh.

i'm so frustrated with myself. i'm lazy. there are so many things i need (and want) do, so many things i want (and need) to learn... but i dont have the goddamn commitment to set myself straight. i want to really study to ace my tests, complete my assignmets, and secure a good future for myself. i wanna learn how to play the guitar, and maybe a sport (other than archery). but it seems so much easier to just flop down on the couch and watch tv or play video games. my time gets consumed by these kinds of things - and what kind of character will i build from them? when i think about it, it frustrates me more. video games serve as the outlet for my frustrations. vicious cycle... and i know i should do something about it. but i'm just too god damn friggin' lazy!

i'm going to end up hating myself. oh wait. too late.

God's wounded often make His best soldiers.

i'm bleeding.

outside and in.

punched a wall a few times. my hand's gotten rather sore, and its not easy to type. purposely inflicted wounds to take my mind off my emotional ones.

my heart aches whenever i see her. it aches coz it wants to be near hers. and it aches coz it cant seem to get there...

damn it. my own best friend. this is just pathetic. I am pathetic.

how the hell did it come to this. i've become distant and moody. she's become blank and sullen. now aint that just perfect?

i want our friendship to last. it worked in the past, why cant it now? maybe i should just let it go. why force it to work if it cant, right? but thinking about it scares me - i dont want to be alone. i dont think i could do it, even if i wanted to. and that scares me too - the thought that i couldnt get by on my own.

so i'm back to square one. still confused. still lost. still bleeding.

Tact is the ability to shut your mouth before someone else wants to.

my dog seems to be sick. he's not as frisky as usual. so i took him to the vet. he was sitting with me in the back of the car. he had most of the seat to himself, but he insisted on snuggling up to me and taking up all my space. haha. insecurity or affection? maybe both. maybe neither. i wouldnt know. i cant even figure out my own thoughts, much less a dog's. and he's got a pretty messed up head.but we love him anyway. dont we, Kaiser? *pats dog* he was my graduation gift.

i remember at the ceremony they ask the spectators to clap only after all the members of each section had been called. well, everything was going smoothly...then it was my turn to get up on stage. my name was called out, and out of the blue someone from the audience goes "wohoo!". ....my crazy brother. well, he didnt clap, hahahaha. thats one memory that'll stick around for quite a while. then i come home to have this hyper golden retriever pup jump all over me.

sometimes i envy him. he doesnt have to worry about anything. me? i have a lot of things to worry about, and i dont worry about them. now do you call that carefree or just stupid?

i'm living as if i'll never die, and maybe i'll die as if i never lived.

Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.

i had this splitting headache today. it was a miracle i could still think straight during a geomerty test. i remember writing the final digit on my paper, then slumping down on my desk the next instant. god. i kept wishing someone would walk through the classroom door and blast my brains out (..maybe for more reasons than the headache...)

a couple of nights ago, i was talking to a friend. well, i wasnt really talking, mostly just listening. he was having problems, dealing with lotsa shit. i said give it time, and he's got me to stick by him. he mentioned how he hoped i'd never have to go what he was going. if he only knew though. i'm glad he talked to me. i hate knowing my friends are suffering and not being able to do anything about it. whats worse is when they wont even open up to me.

*dry laugh* i'm such a hypocrite. I dont open up to others. ha.

i'm floating around in a sea of shadows now. just...drifting to god knows where. hn. at least i hope he does, coz i sure as hell dont.

If at first you don't succeed, try reading the directions.

celine lent me her cd of Evanescence. i was listening to it on the way home. great album. really sad songs...

*sigh* yesterday, i tried to stay close to my best friend. i failed. miserably. its like...the more i try to hold onto her...the more i lose my grasp...

and then i see her enjoying herself with our other friends - smiling, laughing. it hurt. it still hurts. why cant i give her that anymore?

i'm starting to get scared...

Don't take life to seriously. No one's made it out of it alive.

i threw a new years bash for writers' bloc yesterday. it was supposed to be 2pm hanggang sawa. well, people started ariving at 1:30, and the last one to depart left at 10. my gawd. we feasted on pizza, pasta, and fruit salad, and got high on coke (the softdrink). our conversation turned to LOTR and the "gayness" behind it, then to really weird sleeping habits. its funny, sophia once mentioned to me that we were perceived as one of the most serious clubs in school. if people only knew! *laughs evily* well, after that we gobbled popcorn while watching a simpons marathon, then returned to the dining table to chow down on bibinka and more pizza. then those of us who were left went upstairs to the family loft and played playstation. well, not really play. we listened to the outtakes (bloopers) of the voice over actors of a game. at this point, none of us were breathing. then they headed back to their homes.

i love writers' bloc. for the past months its like i haven't been the person i used to be anymore. and because of that i've grown distant from my closest friends. i've been trying to change back, but it seems so hard. but whenever i'm with WB, i'm back to my old self like nothing ever happened. i feel like i belong there, and that they really accept me. i guess it coz they're as loony as i am. we're all downright weird. and thats the way we like it.

gyah! back to school tomorrow. i like to learn...but i hate to work. bleah. but its not just the work. its...i dunno. something. i havent figured it out yet.

The passage of time is in the eye of the beholder.
-Einstein

i've got bruises on my arms from archery. ehehe. i get carried away sometimes. i shoot with a couple of old friends. they used to be my playmates back when i still lived in valle verde v. they moved abroad for a few years. when they came back i contacted them and dragged them into taking lessons with me. we have fun.

we used to get into all sorts of trouble together. but we didnt car, we enjoyed it. i remember one of our favorite hang outs was this deserted street that ran along one side of the subdivision. we liked to ride our bikes there coz it was all downhill. there were murals on the walls that bordered the road -- fantasies and hopes. at the foot of the hill there was this little hut that stood over the wall. i think it was used as a guardhouse at night, but during the day it was our basecamp. we would stay there for hours just laughing till our stomachs ached. but that was a long time ago. i hardly laugh like that anymore. or so it seems.

its funny...when we're kids we wanna grow up so badly. but when we get older... oh the world is full of irony.

To leave the old with a burst of song
To recall the right and forgive the wrong;
To forget the thing that binds you fast
To the vain regrets of the year that's past;
To have the strength to let go your hold
Of the not worthwhile of the days grown old,
To dare to go forth with a purpose true,
To the unknown task of the year that's new;
To help your brother along the road
To do his work and lift his load;
To add your gift to the world's good cheer,
Is to have and to give a Happy New Year.
-Robert Brewster Beattie

here's to new begginings! cheers!

i spent new years eve in tagaytay. dad's in the states, and my bros decided they'd stay in manila, so it was just me n' mom. we crashed in the vacation house of my mom's aunt. we were a huge group. and i mean HUGE. all my mom's cousins were there (the sons and daughters of her aunt). and they had all their kids with them (my cousins). it was a riot. we ate, played billiards, ate, played video games, ate, watched movies and ate. we were constanly buggin' each other. sometimes i'd look around and i'd forget they were my cousins...it all felt like we were just a crazy bunch of friends.

we went outside 'round 11. people were already shootin' off fireworks. at midnight the view was spectacular. people started going back inside, but i stayed outside for a while by myself...just enjoying the cold crisp wind. then i joined the party - roasting hotdogs and mallows in the fireplace, and getting a bit drunk on sparkling grape juice and apple wine. all around me all i could hear was laughter...including my own. and for the first time in a long time i was able to tell myself that...life is good.


ps - credit to joanne for sending me the poem. and thanks to issa for helping me get started with this whole thing. she'll probably be the one to keep it going too - if i start slacking she'll be on my back before you can say "happynewyear!"