I'd walk a thousand miles
If i could just see you
If i could just hold you
Tonight
-Vanessa Carlton

first thing that registered when i woke up - the cold sensation of the cross around my neck.

i found my dog lying outside my bedroom door. when i opened it, he raised his head. i stepped aside and he got up and cane in. i flopped down on the floor and he followed suit. thats how we stayed for a while, just savouring each other's company. my dog is a friggin' Rialp. he's even an insomniac like the rest of us.

a definition of home: a place where you can get up in the morning walking around in shabby clothes with holes in them, and nobody really gives a damn.

conversations -

dad: *wearing a bright yellow collared shirt* do i look nice and summer-y? do i look fat?
me: yes, dad, you look fat.
dad: *rolls his eyses*
me: *grins* yes, you look nice. and summer-y. and american.
dad: and fat.
me: *laughs*

me: chad can i borrow your -
chad: no!
me: thank you!

mom: where d'you wanna eat? KFC or BK?
me: uh... both.
mom: kaya mo ba both?
me: *grins* mom, ako pa.

migs: you guys went shopping?
mom: yeah. we got you cereal.
migs: captain crunch?
mom: kala ko ayaw niyo na nun.
chad: what?! thats our favorite!
mom: eh. sorry kayo. hindi ko alam.
chad: *turns to me* this is your fault! you're supposed to tell her these things! why do you hate us?
me: *whacks him*

dad: i'm going to miss you. (referring to when we leave for the states)
me: i'll miss you too.
dad: no, you wont.
me: okay. i wont.
dad: *pulls me into a death grip* now i have to give you one month's worth of hugs and kisses.
me: uh - oh...

...ganyan kami mag-mahalan.

I've never been the praying kind
But lately I've been down upon my knees
Not looking for a miracle
Just a reason to believe
-Savage Garden

things i've learned in chem enrichment class (that have nothing to do with chem!):
practice makes perfect. but nothing can be perfect. so why practice? -the class after ms. patty bombards us with exercises.
good triumphs over evil - if, and only if, good fights. - bob ong in ang paboritong libro ni judas, which i was reading during ms. patty's lecture, ooops.
it is through fire that we are purified. - sir mitra, discussing how glass is made.


i'm beat. i'm starting to look forward to that long plane ride. i intend to doze the whole time. although... its not just sleep i need. i think... i need a break... from this place. of course i'll still miss my friends like hell.

yesterday, joanne and i were walking around during recess. we passed by the music room. she found herself wanting to play the piano. we asked for permission and it was granted. she pulled out the chair and let loose. vannessa carlton's thousand miles. i leaned against the side of the piano... singing the lyrics under my breath. the moment was peaceful. i remembered sophomore year, and maecy whipping out her guitar whenever we had a free period. she'd teach me a little sometimes. we dont do that anymore... and i've completely forgotten the chords.

last night i was i was slumped against the bathroom wall, talking on the phone and trying to keep a friend from...sleeping. she was so tired... but i didnt want to let her have the rest she wanted. it seemed... selfish. but i just couldnt let go. its the way its always been. its not the way it always has to be. i was never meant to be loved. i've accepted that. bullcrap.

and to my angel: the world is at your feet. i dont want you to throw that all away if i just happen to give up. i'm not saying i will. i told you... as long as you believe in me... i've got a reason to believe too.

How can the world want me to change
They're the ones that stay the same
-John Rzeznik

happy birthday dad! (ehe, its a bit late, i forgot to put it in the other day. but hey, at least i remember my own age, unlike you! hahahahaha)

saturday night we were at music museum in greenhills, where dad's show is being staged. there was gonna be a party after the performance. mom and i arrived early, so dad brought us in to the theater, and we got to sit up in the booth where all the technical stuff is. after a while i got thirsty though. so i asked mom for some cash and headed out to the lobby outside. i sat down at the bar, with just a glass of sprite to keep my company. it was cold. i pulled my reversible tighter around me and i was watched the bubbles of fizz float around in my drink.

after that, a fellow bleeding heart texted. she was being made to suffer by those who were supposed to care for her.
me: where are you?
her: dont even try. i really wanted to go over to where she and strangle her tormentors though. she really doesnt deserve the pain.

the party started. although i wouldve been quite comfortable staying where i was, it was hard not to have to... socialize. it was my dad's party after all... so i mingled with the guests. they were his cast and crew, producers and some friends. i knew most of them already, from some time or another. there was a buffet of bbq chicken, pasta, pork rolls, and chiken liver wrapped in bacon. there were also bags of chips going around, along with red wine and punch with rhum, and pastries for dessert. couple of hours passed and i got tired of the all the hubub, so i withdrew to a corner of the room. i sat down on a low ledge, twirling my punch glass in my hand. through half-closed eyelids i watched those around me, listening to the music playing over the speakers. i stayed like that till chad arrived and ruffled my hair. i growled and punched at him playfully, then followed him back into the crowd. conversations got interesting.

tita mitch valdez: *comes out of the dressing room* so where's my beer!? its good to reward yourself every once in a while.

tita leah navarro: hoy, mabait si direk samin!
tita pressy: oo nga! himala nga eh!
tita leah: y'know the most violent thing he did? "nanette! ...SSHHH!"
*everyone laughs*
you see, my dad was known for getting rather violent when frustrated. he's thrown coca-cola bottles at tita kuh ledesma, and chairs at tita celeste lagaspi, and pens at his sixth grade teacher.

tita leah: i'm so tired...when i get home i'm gonna sit down at my computer and play Morrowind!
me: ...you play Morrowind?
tita leah: yeah! isnt it just great? it can go on and on...
chad: uh huh... Migs plays it.
tita leah: its my favorite! and Diablo II! oh, and after i finish the game i look for cheats and more fun!
me and chad: O_o
so cool, a 40-yr-old gamer girl.

and here's a story of what happened at the beggining of the show. the previous night, there had been so many in the audience texting throughout the whole show, so that night...
dad (over the mic): we will not start the performance until all cellphones have been turned off.
*most turn off their cellphones*
dad (after a couple of minutes): i repeat, we will not start the performance until all cellphones have been turned off.
*more turn off their phones*
dad (after another couple of minutes): once more, we will not start the performance until ALL cellphones have been turned off.
*all but two women turn off their phones*
dad: will the lady in the fifth row, orchestra centre PLEASE TURN OFF HER PHONE! ?
*SPOTLIGHT on the woman. she quickly hides her cell*
dad: AND THE LADY IN THE SECOND ROW TOO!
*SPOTLIGHT*

the next day, we went to good earth in the fort for a more private celebration.
*my brothers and i enter the restaurant*
head waiter: table for how many, sir?
chad: for five please.
head waiter: five? do you have a reservation?
me: um...no...
head waiter: we're rather full right now...
miggy: uh oh.
*enter dad and mom*
head waiter: direk! kamusta na po kayo?
dad: ayos lang naman. 
head waiter: lets find you a table!
me, chad, miggy: O_o

ehehe. life with dad is tiring and never boring.

I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you've got to rise above
-John Mayer

exams are done! no more church history, shakespeare, geometry theorems, world wars or factorials (FUCKtorials).

we had the turnover ceremony yesterday. sop and lalaine gave us the token they had prepared. it was really cool. a scrapbook album with messages to us and other stuff. and i know they worked hard on it. sop had also gotten nikita to come. it was a great surprise. god, we're officially seniors now...it hasnt quite sunk in yet, hahaha.

after school, we went to mikee's party. there were seven of us, and we had to fit into one small car. we managed - chez and lalaine in the passenger's seat, me, sop, camille, cel and jenny in the back. the party was at mikee's godfather's place, this huge house on this huuuuuge lot. there a was a pool and lots of space to roam around and lounge about. the other guests were already there, swimming and hanging around. first thing we did was eat. and the food was great! after satisfying our stomachs, camille, chez and i got into our swimsuits. sop and cel decided they didnt want to swim. lalaine jumped into the pool with her uniform on. i jumped in after her. we played doing flips, cannon balls, and nestea plunges (which hurt!) and had a lotta fun making fools of ourselves.
cel: *on the roofdeck leaning against the porch railing*
i forget who: si juliet!
cel: for your information, i played romeo! 


after some time, we got out of the pool and ate more. junkfood, pastries, pizza pandesal, and softdrinks galore. i had changed already but going around barefoot. i went up to the roofdeck. i sat on the railing cel was leaning on earlier.
cel: beija! dont jump!
chez: bea, no! i'm too young for you to die!
me: tumigil ka nga!
i got off the railing  lay down on my back. then i heard footsteps. i opened my eyes. sop. we greeted each other. i got up and had the idea to step out onto the roof tiles. cel had the same idea. so we did. there was this other little wall that stood in the middle of the roof. i climbed it and sat there, looking around and taking in the view. i could see the others still swimming down below. also, i could feel the wind more. felt great. then sop asked me to come down. so i climbed off, and walked around the wall to where she was, and sat down beside her on the ledge there and we just talked. then mikee came around. and she mentioned moving to beverly hills, which is where celine lives.
mikee: and i can to your house everyday...
cel: oh no...
mikee: and i'll invite all of them *points to us* and we can have slumber parties...
me: where we'll make cel wear pink polka-dotted pajamas!
sop: dapat yung may bunnies!
mikee: i have a pair like that! and fluffy slippers!
cel: oh god!

other people started coming up and the place was got busier. soon, however, we had to pack up and go. though none of us quite wanted to leave yet. so we hung around the garden for a while. sop played a bit on the guitar. lalaine sat opposite her singing along, while i just sat at her feet listening. i got up to look for my glasses though, which i didnt find. we left eventually, and crashed in sop's sala like we usually do. then lalaine's brother came around to pick her up. at the same time, vicxen (their friend from the tkd team) showed up at the door. we got called for dinner. but i saw that my car was there already, so we had to pass up the meal. camille and i gathered up our stuff and loaded them and ourselves into the car after saying our goodbyes. i brought her home, then headed back to my own abode.

when i got there, the dog began jumping all over me. though tired, i was in the mood, so i looked for his ball and ran around the house with him. wasnt long before we were both out of breath. but i hardly minded. and i'm pretty sure he didnt either.

Only the curious have something to find
-Nickel Creek

one more day!

one more day to freedom!

well, maybe not. we werent able to cover the whole curiculum for chem. the seniors were able to take up the whole book last year, and we're got about only three-fourths into done. solution: summer enrichment class for two weeks. gyah. i'm not gonna be able to do the whole course though. only about half of it. i wont be around for the other half.

bonding session with Jali yesterday on YM.
her: hala! online! hindi nag-aaral!
me: look who's talking!
we just talked. she mentioned she wanted to go to the beach during the break. i said i wanted to see snow. which i probably will get to see. i'm off to the states at the end of the month.

Migs is talking to me again. i'm glad. i really missed him talking to me. i dont think either of us will admit it openly, but we love each other. even so, we know. though we're very different, we're also very alike, so its not so hard to read each other. there's a kind of like a silent understanding between us three siblings. we're very reserved when it comes to signs of affection. i wouldnt even lay my head on just anyone's shoulder. or for that matter, let just anyone lay their head on mine. hahaha.

Animals and children tell the truth, they never lie
Which one is more human
There's a thought, now you decide
-Savage Garden

i'm stuck at home again...

my muscles are sore. mostly in my shoulders. i cant even pull a damn shirt over my head without wincing.

i was listening to some old albums yesterday. well, they're not that old, i just hadent played them in a quite a while. linkin park, hybrid theory. they're very loud...and i usually dont appreciate that very much. savage garden, affirmation. they're very poppy... which i usually dont appreciate that much either. but their lyrics speak to me. i guess sometimes you can find good things where you dont expect it.

last night, i was aching. i thought it'd never stop hurting.

then...an angel came...and folded its wings around me...

and the aching ceased...

i dont need to run from it anymore...i have you now.

I want nothing more than to
Sit outside heaven's door
And listen to you breathing
-Lifehouse

friday. no club activities, coz we were supposed to use that time to clean our classrooms. but we had a picnic during lunch time for writers' bloc as our culminating activity. we had pizza and juice under the shade of the trees on the field beside the highschool building. its a shame the seniors and miz m werent there with us.
me: *looking at a picture of cel and her bro* i admit, he is good looking.
issa: diba? all the girls think so.
cel: all the boys think so too.
*everyone practically rolls on the grass laughing*

that night was the legacy concert of the seniors too. i was hanging out with les, cel, and mikee before the show started. we sat in the volleyball court chatting and making shadow figures on the wall. then we entered the grounds together and met up with joanne and bea. i watched the beginning of the show with them. not so long after that, i left to hang around sop and lalaine. i met lalaine's family, and they bought Hot Shots burgers for us. we had to eat them in the first-aid station coz they were on-shift. after that we got coffee at Seattle's Best coz i was falling asleep, and lalaine wanted a kick. after that, we went back out to the field and parted coz they had a number to do. i found joanne and bea again...or rather they found me. les found us too, and she video taped the fourth year's number while i took a few photos. i hope the pics / footage come out alright. then sop and lalaine rejoined us and we all watched the rest of the concert together. we also caught sight of cel dancing in the crowd.
les: oh my god! that's celine!
me: oh my god! she's possessed!
*everyone clutching their stomachs laughing*
lalaine and les also got caught on camera and were shown on the projection screen while they danced.
me: *points to screen laughing like crazy*
sop: guys! tignan nyo!
lalaine and les: holy!
*everyone laughing their heads off*

there were times when i got rather quiet...I was just...happy enough to just sit back, watch, and enjoy what was happening around me.

after the show, we went home to sop's place. cel, lalaine and i were sleeping over. we talked about stuff and read our fortunes with pink tarot cards. we stayed up till about 5:30, breaking our previous record of 4am.

i woke up before 7. i sat up, waking les in the process, but she just rolled over and went back to bed. the others werent up yet. i watched them sleep for a bit....but after a while, i was feeling drowsy again. as i lay back down...i made a solemn promise to myself...that i'd protect them no matter what the cost.

when i woke up again, cel and sop werent there. i figured cel had already left and guessed that sop was taking a bath. turns out i was right. sop came in after some time, with her hair down and damp, bringing news that cel had gone home. i would've wanted to see cel off...i'm glad sop got to.

you wont hurt us. we're too smart for that *grins*. and we dont intend to let you hurt yourself either.

we went to taekwondo training. we got to the gym really late coz we all woke up really late, hahahahaha. i joined their drills while lalaine sat by the wall video taping us. sop was leading their team, while les tutored me on the side.
angela: ang bilis mo rin matuto! nakakainis!
me: *smiles and shrugs*
we went back to their place for lunch then went out again coz i was dragging them to archery. the whole group was there, which is kinda rare. i was hoping to bring them to a not-so-crowded session so that coach could concentrate on them...but it didnt work that way. though i guess it still worked out. coach showed them the ropes while us regulars had some fun.
mikey: *draws a tiny, tiny dot on the target* ok, we have to hit the dot.
john: right, lets do it.
*they start shooting at the dot. they fail miserably*
john: we're never gonna get it!
mikey: i know. i bet even bea couldnt get it!
me: *raises eyebrow* you're on. *takes aim*
mikey: *pokes me and babbles in my ear to distract me* 
me:  *shoots and fails fails miserably*  oh, you wanna play that game? alright lets play that game. *immitates jigglypuff's voice from pokemon*
john: *shot goes way off target* damn it! dude!
me: *laughs, reaches back for my last arrow, which i find misssing* hey, where'd-- john, get back here!

we wanted to eat after shooting, but their cousin (who was driving), wanted to go. we relented grudgingly. i decided i wouldnt let it get to me. it wasnt worth spoiling a good day over. lalaine got off at megamall, and the rest of us went back home to their house. we stayed in their room and lounged around. i settled down with my back against the wall. sop rested her head on my lap and fell asleep after a while. les played PS, and angela just mostly watched, drinking milo. their cat was also in the room...
meow: meow!
les: shut up, meow.
meow: *jumps onto the bed and curls up on top of les' chest*
les: no-- not there!
me: *laughs and picks up meow*
i set him down beside me and stroked him till he dozed off against my leg.

then after some time, i heard my name being called. my brother had arrived with the driver to pick me up. les was gonna wake sop, but i stopped her. i waved goodbye to les and angela and headed out. as i was putting my stuff together, sop came down the stairs. she had woken up anyway and she walked me out.

in the car, i fell asleep against the door, the last thing i remember was the seeing the sun setting in the distance.

I'd do anything
Just to hold you in my arms
To try to make you laugh...
I'd do anything
Just to fall asleep with you
-Simple Plan

i could hardly believe what was happening last night. and to be honest, i was scared. but...the person trusted me...even when i didnt trust myself. and that...that made the difference. and before i knew it...*grins*

when i woke up in the morning...i was almost afraid again. the night before seemed like a dream; i wanted so badly for it to be real.

and it was real.

its funny how your world can turn around in such a short span of time.

If you need to crash
Then crash and burn
You're not alone
-Savage Garden

just came home from watching the new show my dad directed. its called Menopause, and the title pretty much says it all. the story revolves around four women, with very different personalities and backgrounds, all going thorough what they call "the change". i realized i was actually the only one in the theatre my age. but the actresses were great and the show was hilarious, even if i could relate all the much. it was great fun! sometime in the middle of the show though, i got these really acute chest pains. it was getting hard to breathe. first thing that came to mind: celine. i wanted to text her, but my phone had run out of battery, so it had to wait. anyway, after the show, we went backstage with dad, and greeted his cast and backstage team.

before going home, we passed through starbucks and bought drinks for the road. one of the most fun parts of seeing shows with my folks is talking and debating about it in the car on the way home. i reclined in the back seat, sipping my vanilla frap, throwing in my comments every now and then.

when we walked in the front door, we found the dog lying down on the carpet. i droppped down beside him, and began stroking his head. my dad was sat down on the couch, and watched us...
dad: you know, you're probably the rowdiest person i know... but also the most gentle.
i honestly didnt know what to say to that, so i just kept stroking kaiser's fur.

sometime after that i went on the computer. i found cel online, and i asked her about the chest pains. as it turns out, it was probably her. but she said she was ok already, so i didnt dwell on it for long. our topic of conversation turned to how many times we'd been mistaken as guys. that was a load of laughs.

to a fellow bleeding heart: you're a reason now. get used to it. its not a game. its not a dream. you're not alone.