Won't somebody please take me home?
-Avril Lavigne

nicole slept over the other night. we hung out in andrea's room, chatting, while singing along to dave matthews. yay cousins.

yesterday mom took me to meet some old friends of hers. they used to work with each other in unicef. it was so funny, i ended up talking to two old men about games and playstation. downright hilarious.

tonight we're celebrating tita sena's birthday. japanese dinner. i've no doubt we're going to pig out.

and tomorrow, we board the plane to the philippines.

... i think being so far away from home... actually made me grow a little.


*****


i want you all to stop hurting...

Wohoo!
-Kool and the Gang

my cousin maddie celebrated her birthday last saturday. party time. it was supposed to be a rather formal event, and i had dressy outfit lined up. but they called to say they nixed the idea, and i was more than happy to ditch the heels.
people at the party when we got there: maddie's family - tito max, tita nadine, and her younger brother TJ. her other cousins, from her dad's side were there (i'm from her cousin on her mom's side). i had met them at the easter party last week - one guy, three girls, and they were with their parents. there was a father and his three girls who were living with them at the time (maddie's family rents out their spare room). there were our other cousins - nicole and her brother ziggy. and i met morgan, maddie's bestie.
just as i had greeted everyone, nick, maddie's boyfriend shows up. hey, i get to shake hands with the big guy! cool. he and maddie were sweet together. but not too sweet. just right. haha. nick had to leave soon though coz he had business to attend to. school play.
then jada walks in. last time she saw me was last time i was in the states. eleven years ago. now, she's married and has a kid who's almost two.
first agenda: eat. food was great. not surprisingly. i have not had a bad meal ever since i got here. i sat with nicole and jada, laughing over memories of when i wished a was a dog.
after the meal, nicole and i drove to the metro station to pick up taisa. taisa is jada's sister. we brought her back to the party.
when i got back, three of maddie's other guy friends had arrived. they were playing knockout in the back yard. i joined in. kicked some ass too.
we got tired of that game, and began playing a combination of volleyball, soccer and tap in the front yard. when we got tired of playing, we just sat on the grass, blew dandelions into the wind, and talked.
the three girls who were boarding with them and the older girl cousin went off to the park. me, maddie, morgan, and the two younger girl cousins decided to follow suit, but we went to a different park. and we stayed there exchanging stories about school, home, and life. pretty soon we saw tj and the boys had followed us and they busied themselves on the basketball court. then abby, another friend of theirs showed up. but she disappeared just as soon. we suddenly took note of these howling sounds.
morgan: damn cayotes.
me: you dont have cayotes here.
maddie: morgan... thats your family screaming.
it was morgan's seven siblings making noise. and it was getting closer. abby then turned up again. and she had lured the seven to follow her, much to morgan's dismay. but we didnt let it get to us. tj then went home to order pizza, and maddie followed her with stephanie (one of the younger girl cousins) to go to the bathroom. which left me and morgan talking. mostly about her family. and boys. after quite some time, tj had already returned, and we were beginning to wonder why the others hadnt come back. we decided to go check on them.
tj: hey, where are you two going?
me: to see if maddie needs help going to the bathroom!
morgan: *laughs*
well, we met maddie and steph on the way, and they had taisa with them. we made our way back to the park. we talked. well they did most of the talking. i just listened and shot in a smart comment every now and then. the topic being boys. nyaha. we noted is was almost 10pm, and decided to go home. just as we had gotten up, the pizza arrived. so we grabbed some slices then headed back. the walk was mostly uneventful, except for stephanie being chased around by her older sister. they were making us dizzy. as a solution, i grabbed steph, turned her upside down and held her by her ankles for a while. we grinned as she squirmed in my grasp for a minute. then i put her down, and as compensation carried her on my back the rest of the way. at the house, the guests said goodbye and left. maddie hung out with the three girls, while i watched tj play counterstike. his game ended with him killing his own teammates. then maddie lead me up to her room, and we both fell alseep right away.

next day, we woke up at the same time too, at quarter to 10. but neither of us wanted to get outta bed. but we had to coz there was mass to attend.
me: *with my hand draped over my eyes* dibs on the first bath?
maddie: *groans*
me: aight, i'll do it. i'll wake you again when i'm done. *hauls self outta bed*
i showered, then returned to the room to haul maddie outta bed and shove her into the shower. while she was in there, i looked around the room. i realized maddie and i were almost complete opposites. funny we got along so well. we ate breakfast together, and prepped for church. tj was serving so we had to be there early. i learned that last time he served, he had dropped the candle.
tita nadine: tj, try to avoid burning down the church this time, ok?
tj: yeah, yeah.
at church, we met up with their cousins again. and guess who else we saw, much to maddie's delight.
maddie: *looking around the church*
me: *points with my thumb* he's over there.
maddie: *looks to where i'm pointing, sees nick, turns back to me, giggles*
me: *chuckles*
mass went by pretty quickly. we went home for lunch. and lunch equalled cheese sandwiches, ice cream, chocolate cake, sansrival, and chocolate wafers. something missing though...
me: *comes outta the kitchen for the second time, grinning* who needs meat!?
maddie: ...beija, you're awesome.
me: why thank you, cuz. *laughs*
after lunch, maddie, tj, josh (the guy cousin), nick and i were gonna see a show. it was being staged by maddie's former school. it was called blast. it was basically just students doing covers of popular songs. so we went. and maddie saw quite a few dear old friends. reunions are fun.
after the show, tita nadine picked us up, and we headed for a pizza place. all you can eat buffet. translation: heaven on earth! tito max arrived, along with the rest of their cousins, and the boarding family. we occupied a long table and made noise. there was a section in the back for playing arcade games. after having our fill, we played air hockey. tj got matched up with pia (one of the three girls). he was so confident he'd win. he lost 3 to 7.
me: *grins* you are never gonna hear the end of this.
tj: ugh...
then we headed back to the house, shot a few hoops, then tito max drove me back to tita malaine's place.

back home, i sat on the carpeted floor by the sliding door, looking out, and repalying some of songs from blast in my head.

Save me from the nightmare I've become
-Evanescence

i'm torn. my mom is starting to seriously consider the prospect of me studying here in the states for college. we've gone as far as to take a campus tour of georgetown university. its her philosophy that the only thing she can really leave me is a good education. there's no such thing as inheritance. she learned from her own parents, who sacrificed a lot just to put her and her brother and sister through good schooling. and my brothers' have also been pestering her, because they feel like they got really educations, and they feel i've been cheated because they think i havent gotten that chance. miggy studied in regis (he actually didnt live with us in jordan). chad studied in IS in jordan and in the philippines. when they both got into ateneo for college, they were disappointed and bored. dad also hinted to mom that she find a job here in the states and take me along with her. which is basically his way of saying he's also open to the idea. me, i'm not sure what to make of all this.

we had planned to go to the spy museum today, but tickets were sold out. so we ended in the smithsonian instead, in the museum of natural history. what did we see?
the skeleton of the t-rex
mom: boy, am i glad he's extinct.
the skeleton of an ancient whale
me: i think that thing's scarier than the t-rex...
the jaws of a great white shark
me: ... kasyang kasya ako dyan ah.
the hope diamond
me: lets see, i'll need a grapling hook, a glasscutter...
the display of a python
a mother to her daughter: that thing could eat you for breakfast and still be hungry!
the cockroach colony
me: O_o
mom: O_o
tita malaine: O_o

on a final note -
tears make papercuts sting.

Even heroes have the right to bleed
-Five for Fighting

i'm too tired...
i've run out of breath... i've run out of words...
so for now, i'll borrow those of others.


"it is my eyes which see, and the sight of my eyes grants beauty to the earth. it is my ears that hear, and the hearing of my ears gives its song to the world. it is my mind that thinks and the judgment of my mind is the only searchlight that can find the truth. it is my will which chooses, and the choice of my will is the only edict i must respect." (ayn rand, anthem)


i chose...



"i wished to know the meaning of things. i am the meaning. i wished to find a warrant for being. i need no warrant for being, and no word of sanction upon my being. i am the warrant and the sanction." (ayn rand, anthem)

to live...


"it is such a secret place, the land of tears."
(antoine de saint-exupery, the little prince)



and to love...

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breathe...
Is it enough to die?
-Avril Lavigne

jaeger: i told you so.
utopian: dont start. why are you here?
jaeger: coz you're feeling weak. y'know why you're feeling weak? coz you took off the mask. again. you havent learned.
utopian: i said dont start.
jaeger: too late. you always get hurt. always. one way or another. havent you had enough?
utopian: ...
jaeger: there is one. you loved her. fell in love with her even. but it wasnt enough to make her love you back.
utopian: *breathes sharply*
jaeger: there is another. you love her. but its not enough save her. in fact, ultimately, you hurt her.
utopian: *bites tounge*
jaeger: there is yet another. you love her. fell in love with her too. but is it enough to keep her happy?
utopian: shut up.
jaeger: its never enough, and yet the funny thing is, you love too much!
utopian: SHUT UP!
jaeger: what you're hoping for is just a dream!
utopian: ...i'm a dreamer.
jaeger: ...fine. i'll stop. i've won this one anyway.
utopian: what makes you say that?
jaeger: you're about to cry.

...

my tears.

my sweat.

my blood.

my broken wings.

with these... i'll take on Fate. i will destroy him.

or die trying.

It should have been my hands
Where the nails were
-Sandi Patti

we visited new orleans. took a plane from DC to get there. the trip was fine, but they lost my mom's suitcase. it was recovered and sent to our hotel before it was really needed though, so it worked out.

things we did: shopped at the flea market, took a ferry ride to mardi gras HQ, went on a swamp tour to get acquainted with gators, spiders, birds, snakes, racoons, turtles, and some cool plants (did i mention alligators?), rode the oldest running cable car system through the garden district, took a walk in the huge park with the squirrels, strolled down bourbon street (home of the jazz bars), and ate really good food. and i mean really GOOD food (oh my god, steeeaaak!).

plane take-offs are such fun. there's the thrill of blasting up into the sky, then you look out the window and see people, cars, streets, buildings, the world, all grow smaller below. at night, its a different story. you cant really see anything just the city light, little gems over a blanket of darkness.

the easter vigil mass. for some reason, being in that church was the closest i've been to feeling at home ever since we left. the soft music of the organ drove me bury my face in mom's shoulder.

easter sunday. my cousins came over, along with all my titos and titas here. it was great seeing them again. they made me feel like they hadnt ever forgotten me.

but right now... i think its best... if i was forgotten.

Now we dont live
We exist
We just run through our lives
So alone
-Savage Garden

[insert curse word]

i'm feeling very cynical today.

up at 7am. dragged myself outta bed and threw myself into the shower. [insert curse word] i forgot to turn on the heater. so i took a bath shivering the whole time. dress. prep. pack. off to the train station. all aboard to washington DC.

tita malaine (my mom's sister) and auntie baby (my mom's aunt) were supposed to meet us at the station where we got off. wala pa sila dun. bumili muna si mom ng ice cream para sa sarili nya. and a milkshake for me. brain freeze! after half an hour of waiting for them to find us, we decided to go find them. it took another half hour for us to do so. and we spent yet another half hour trying to find their car coz they couldnt remember where they had parked it. [insert curse word]

nahanap rin namin. my jaw dropped. a white mercedes benz [insert curse word]. pasok kami sa loob. leather seats [insert curse word]. we drove out of DC into virginia to tita's house where we would stay. pasok sa loob ng bahay. unang-una kong nakita ang 50-inch screen tv [insert curse word]. we were to stay in the basement. baba kami. parang may bahay sa ilalim ng bahay. ang laki! there are closets inside the closets. akyat ako sa taas. exploring. pasok ako sa kwarto ng pinsan ko. that was no room. that was a [insert curse word] library.

we went out and went to a couple of stores coz auntie baby wanted to buy some pasalubong for her daughters and grandson for when she returned to her home in vegas. mom bought me a pair of shades.

...

i want. to go. home. [insert curse word]

They can trigger me
But they never figure me out
-Eminem

mom brought me to a doctor today. tito jerry was a sport and drove for us. none of us knew where the clinic was, so we had to download maps off the internet. we got there without getting lost. the doctor saw me and said he wanted to take my blood count. he used this gadget to pinprick my left middle finger. hardly felt a thing. i thought nothing had happened, then i saw blood! wheeee! my blood count was real low. not surprising. need more iron. i got a sesame street band-aid for my finger. nice. (but do I look like a five-yr-old?!) plus a lollipop. even nicer! (...ok, not complaining about this one, hehehe)

after everything, we headed home. referring to the maps again.
mom: its says "start going northwest"...
tito jerry: ...well, now, you see, thats really helpful!
me: *laughs my head off*

we got home for lunch, and mom whipped up some leftover adobo for herself, and tacos for me.
me: *trying to keep the tacos together* ack! its falling apart on me!
mom: well, you could always eat it in a more civilized manner.
me: *looks down at spoon and fork, looks insulted* blasphemy!
after lunch, i lay down on my bed. i began thinking about the different names different people called me.

bea - my 'regular' nickname. pretty much everyone.
beija - my real nickname. generally, my family and family friends, and people close to me like the WB gang.
bog - my yayas' pet name for me. nikita's adopted it too.
boogs - an extended version of above, which dad uses.
bear - used to distinguish me from with bea h., but only alex really uses it.
fallen - my evil twin calls me this.
sis - cel.
anak - lalaine.
hakkai - maecy, sometimes.
ni-chan - camille. well, she used to call me this. i havent heard it in while though...

we're heading to washington tomorrow.

If only tears could bring you back to me
-Midnight Sons

i woke up at 3am. again.

my head was throbbing again too. i was also homesick. and i had a dream i cant quite remember. one i probably dont want to remember...

it was a while before i finally heaved myself out of bed, trudged down to the basement, and flipped the computer switch. this is turning into a habit, eh?

after spending some time online, i quit and went back to my room. i didnt mean to fall asleep, but i did. i woke up after noon. my head was still throbbing.

we ate lunch. after that, and for the better part of the afternoon, i stayed in the basement.

later, mom and tita lala coaxed me into playing taboo with them.
its a helluva lot of fun!
(you have a card, with a word on it, and you have to describe the word to let the others guess what it is. there are also some words that listed on the car that are 'taboo', words that you cannot mention, so you have find a way to describe the main word without using them.)

me: my favorite part of a meal.
mom & tita lala: (immediate response) dessert!

mom: sickness i had when i was a kid. made me sound like a cat.
tita lala: asthma.
me: ...what?!

mom: star of the show in an arena, with a red cloth...
tita lala: torredor!
me: ...what?!
mom: its "matador"!

tita lala: popular woman on tv --
me: (immediate response) oprah.
tita lala: ...galing.

mom: i'm skipping this card...skip...skip...skip...skip...
tita lala: (watching the hourglass) time's up!
me: mommy, ano ba!

mom: characteristic of miggy that shows when he's taking you somewhere. you also inherited it.
me: road rage! 

I'm just a kid
And my life is a nightmare
-Simple Plan

walang kwenta.
mahina.
tanga.
ako.

tang ina.

kung kailan dapat malapit ako sa mga kaibigan ko, saka ako napalayo.

pakiramdam ko tuloy mahina ako. lumabas tuloy ang... basta. hindi maganda pag lumabas yun. may masamang nangyayari pa lumabas yun.

akala nya pinaglalaruan ko siya. nasaktan ko siya. gusto ko rin saktan sarili ko. pero hindi rin pwede, kasi nangako ako. anong gagawin ko sa sarili ko?

...

i forced myself to be happy. thats what she wanted. i hated to be happy while she was in pain, if that was the way to make it up to her, then f*ck, i'd be happy.

at least for the day.

******

tita lala and tito pietro brought us into manhattan. they went off to work while mom and i headed to the tram  station. we boarded, crossed the river, and got off at the other side. and just like that, i was standing on roosevelt island. i was standing on the soil where i spent the first five years of my life.

it was a walk down memony lane.

the wind was as cold and brisk and welcome as ever. we stopped at the restuarant/deli/bar we always used to go to. its called something else now, but the damn good cheesecake and hot chocolate we always ordered is still served there. then we started walking. we passed by our old church. our apartment building. the playgrounds, the sandbox, the pool, the parks I used to play in. the fields where i used to catch fireflies and have picnics. the path we walked to get to the end of the island where the lighthouse stood, and where we watched people fish. the whole time, mom and i laughed and reminisced.

we made our way back into manhattan, and met up with tita lala again, along with tita cynthia (another old classmate of theirs) and sr blaise (an old teacher of theirs). we had lunch together. at the table, i was falling asleep. maybe i should stop getting up at three in the morning (...nah, hehehe). after we ate we went to the metropolitan museum. its huge, bigger than i remember. we took a look at the byzanthium exhibit. there were a lot of religions icons. i enjoyed the depictions of the angels. sr blaise and tita lala left after that. mom, tita cynthia and i headed downstairs to the ancient greece exhibit.

my head started throbbing. mom set me down on the steps outside the museum and bought me a pepsi. after downing the can, i leaned my head on my knees and closed my eyes. i dozed off without knowing it and woke up maybe half an hour later. mom had just sat there with her arm around me.

we took a cab down park avenue and got off near starbucks. hot choco for mom, vanilla creme for me. after warming up, we headed down to barnes & nobles and just browsed through the books for about an hour. then we headed to PNB where tito pietro works. mom's friends were holding a prayer meeting there. tita lala was there to greet us, and soon, in came tito jerry and tita lina, tito ferdie and tita merle, tito elliot, tita dino. we had chinese take-out dinner. then they had their prayer meeting while i used the net for a while before falling asleep on the couch.

Keep your dream alive
Dreaming is still how the strong survive
Once upon a time in New York City
-Oliver and Company

march 28
i woke up at 1am, prepped, and got the last of my act together. miggy hadnt slept yet, and he saw us off. dad hadnt slept either, and he was taking us to the airport. lola was sleeping in the guestroom, and we could hear her snoring. i whispered a goodbye through her window then jumped into the car.

sop called me on my cell. that was a nice treat.

we got to the airport. i was psyching myself up for a trying trip. we checked in our bags. security has gotten to the point where we have to take of our shoes! we finally got to board the plane. take-off. the food they served was... edible. thats the most i can say about it. it was a 3 and 1/2 hour flight to nagoya, then 11 and 1/2 hr ride to detroit, then a 1 and 1/2 hr trip to newark. it was mostly waiting, in-flight movies, and sleeping for me.

we staying with tita lala (my mom's friend from highschool) in her house in new jersey. she met us at the baggage claim section. haha, she's as sweet as ever. mom and i were surprised to see tita dino (my parents' friend from when we lived in new york) with her. tita dino looked great! and i mean it. she's still slim, and the way she dresses is, well, a lot to my taste, hehehe. black leather jackets, rockin' the house! they led us out to the parking lot. i stepped out of the airport and an icy cold gush of wind greeted me. i could see my breath. i'd missed that. 11 years is a long time. hehehe, i was going to enjoy this vacation. tita dino was driving, i sat in the passenger seat, mom and tita lala chitchatted in the back. its the tail-end of winter, and spring has just begun. most of the trees are still bare, however some are already flush with green. we got to tita lala's place. its nice and cozy. from the time we stepped out of our own door, to the time we arrived at tita lala's house, we had spent 27 hours on the go. however, it was still march 28. hehe, time-travel!

tita lala prepared dinner. tito pietro (her husband) came down, and we sat at the table catching up on old times. after that, tita lala showed us our rooms. i had my own, with a tv (that had 900 channels!), and a nice comfy bed with six huge pillows. we turned in early, coz we had plans for the next day. we were going to vermont!

march 29
morning. tita lala and tito pietro brought us into manhattan, then we walked the rest of the way to tita rosa's (my ninang, wife my mom's old boss from unicef brazil) apartment. they have a house in ludlow, and they were gonna take us there. i crashed on her sofa. she mentioned that more than a decade ago, i had done the same thing, and i had barely occupied two cushions. now i covered more than four. hahaha. then tito john (tita rosa's husband) arrived, and we were ready to go. off to the train station! it was a 2 and 1/2 hour ride to albany. we bought sandwiches for lunch, got on the train, and enjoyed the scenic trip. the tracks ran along the river in the valley. we reached albany, picked up their car, and drove for another 2 and 1/2 hours to ludlow, vermont. i had my window open, and the further up north we went, the colder it got. soon, we saw lakes and ponds that were still iced over. there was snow on the hills. that got my spirits going. i wanted to jump out of the car and frolic! but i'd have to wait. we got to their house and settled in nicely. they rang their son (john jr), and we went out for dinner. chinese dine-in: the only restaurant open that night.

after i had my fill, i told mom i wanted to get some air. she just nodded, and i went out. i leaned against the front of the car and turned my gaze to the sky. the moon was out. i couldnt help but smile. i stayed there, just looking up at it, until the others came out. mom asked me if i was ok. i realized then that i was kind of shivering. but i'd be fine.

this time mom and i shared a room. i picked the side of the bed closer to the window. as i looked up through the blinds, i could see the moon again.
i'm watching you too.

march 30
the air was crisp, the sun was out, the sky was clear. perfect day for... SNOWBOARDING! john jr was an instructor up on the mountain, and he was gonna teach me to ride the ice. they fixed me up in the proper gear, and we were ready to go. we started off at the bottom of the hill, john showing me the ropes. after about an hour, i flopped onto the snow exhausted. and high. god, was i high. i was laughing my head off. too much fun. hahaha. ...and then i fainted. damn anemia!

after dragging me home, stuffing lunch into me, and pumping some sugar into my veins, i was left to sleep the rest of the day off. which i did.

march 31
we were up early to catch the train from rutland (which is 20 mins away from ludlow) to go back to new york. at the station, we bid our goodbyes and boarded the train. 5 and a 1/2 hour trip. we reached new york by lunch time. our stomachs were churning. solution: McDonald's!

after devouring our double cheeseburgers, we headed down to the new amstedam theater. we had tickets to the lion king, the musical. damn good show! the direction, lighting, music, choreograohy, costumes, and (most of) the acting was awesome. work of geniuses...
into the water...
into the truth...
in your reflection...
he lives in you
after the show, tita lala me us from work, and we took the bus into their neighborhood. tito peitro picked us up at the corner bus-stop and brought us home. tita lala and mom prepared our meal, while i unpacked and resettled into my room. then we ate, again, while laughing non-stop. after dinner, tito pietro took me down to the basement, and he showed me his weapon collection, starting with his bow. it was a monster! a compound 55 pounder! and his arrows were even scarier. razor sharp, heads that could pierce bone, and yet light as a feathers for speed.
archery 101: never raise the bow, strung or unstrung, at anyone
archery 102: never walk in front of the archer
archery 103: never use the bow for a violin
archery 104: NEVER get on tito pietro's bad side *sweatdrops*
he's a champ at guns too. he showed some to me, and made me pose with them for the camera. tita lala and mom found it hilarious.

10pm. i'm lying in my bed. my room is so dark. i put my hand in front of my face, and i cant see it.

12:00am. i finally fall asleep.

april 1
1:30am. i wake up.

3:00am. i get out of bed and head down to the computer in the basement.