Time won't heal
This damage anymore
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
-Linkin Park

"bea... you seem to be in such a bad mood..."
"i AM."
i was fuming. i let them know why. she didnt wanna talk about it. that got me even more pissed. its a good thing the other was there... she had always been the one to keep us level... ever since grade school. but when i got the chance, i separated from them. i needed to cool down.

the fourth floor... i missed it. was almost a home.

i returned to class in a better state. and by the end of the day, she had decided that she'd talk to me about it.

Tap on my window, knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore
-Maroon 5

i looked like an out of place rockstar wearing my gala with black sneakers and my guitar slung over my shoulder. i went to assumption and got the picture taking over and done with as soon as possible. i had other prospects in mind for tor the day.

she had me read a harry/draco fic. too bad the author never finished it. it was a nice story. i found it kinda hard to concentrate though with her either standing behind me with her arms around me or sitting on my lap. when i finally finished, we wathced the olympic taekwondo tournament on tv. i was amused at her dissing the commentator and coaching the players. we were shouting at the matches of the filipino contestants. her sisters could be heard doing the same in the other room. when the fights were kinda... uninteresting... we turned to... fooling around. and before the day was done, my guitar had been put to good use.

its getting harder and harder to leave that house.
well... this time i had left my mark.
i'll be damned before i let anyone else claim my prize.

Everybody asks me how she's doing
Has she really lost her mind?
I said, I couldn't tell you I've lost mine
-Dave Matthews

i was on katipunan when jo texted.
d'artagnan: eiyo! walang pasok today!
i let jubilant cry and told the driver to turn back.

when we reached the road outside our subdivision gate, traffic were hardly moving. we figured it was flooded ahead. no real surprise there. kuya jonie moved the car aside and parked in one of the lots in front of one of the many small commercial establishments lining holy spirit drive. he took an umbrella (which looked pretty useless, being so small) and went to assess the situation. he came back a little later to report that the car would never make it through until the water subsided. i was not going to just wait. the house wasnt far. we could walk though the flood. but i didnt want to in my uniform. i thought it would... draw too much attention. kuya jonie was in short and slippers. i told i told him to go to the house first, then bring me back my shorts and slippers. he did so. i changed and zipped up my jacket (since blouse plus shorts looks wierd). then leaving the car (along with my school stuff and skirt and shoes), we walked through the flood.

it was about knee deep at the edge. some kids were playing in the middle. and on both sides, cars flanked the water, waiting for it to go down. kuya and i were laughing as we made our way. we got passed the flood. before completing the short journey, i went into a store and bought some junk food. i figured i'd make the most of this holiday.

we reached home. flinging my jacket onto the bench on the porch, i headed for the laundry area. i took a shirt. it was wet. but that didnt matter, with what i was planning (bet you can guess). i changed out of my blouse, and headed back outside. i found mom had already beaten me to the yard. i went and stood beside her. the driveway was one huge puddle. i splashed around while she walked. both of us grinning. both of us tasting the rain. both of us getting kinda cold, but neither of us really caring.

when finally decided we'd had enough, we stepped back onto the porch. it was then i saw chad suddenly pop his head in the window, before he disappeared just as quickly, but not before shooting us a huge grin. my jaw dropped.
me: OH MY GOD!!! *clamps hand over my mouth*
mom: sshh! bakit ba?
me: chadcuthishair!!
mom: what?
me: CHAD CUT HIS HAIR!
mom: di nga?
chad: *reappears*
mom: whoa! whoa whoa whoa!
all of us: *laughing*
mom: may nakain ka ba? ano nangyari?
all of us: *continue laughing*

ahahaha. wafu ni kuya! :D

And I see you fogging up the mirror
Vapor around your body glistens in the shower
And I wanna stay right here
And go down on you for an hour
And stay and let the day just fade away
In wild dedication
-Third Eye Blind

right now, adam sandler is my favorite movie star.
lets just say i owe him.
ahihihi.

I lean against the wind, pretend that I am weightless
And in this moment I am happy
-Incubus

i spotted noelle in line, and tapped her on the shoulder. she turned and greeted me. i grinned.
noelle: what?
me: you look good.
i was really hoping it would work out for them.

chex showed up behind me. after getting our mcflurry, float and sprite, we returned to the table where therese was seated. then fiel, jj and ren arrived. we walked around a bit, and were joined shortly by joanne and chinhi. we proceeded to get our pic taken. we alloted one pose to noelle and fiel.

after that we went up to the movies. alien vs predator! chinhi didnt wanna watch anything, jo wouldnt watch without chinny, and therese did not like our choice of flik. so they separated from us while we downed popcorn and rootbeer in the cinema. at the end of the movie we were laughing our head off... (some spoilers ahead... sorta)
therese: so the last alien was the queen alien...
noelle: and the last warrior predator was female... apparently...
fiel: and the only surviving human was the girl...
me: oh my god, its a femenist movie!
*laughs*

we met up with the others, who had found camille and daphne. we returned to the studio to pick up the pics and have more taken. then we went back to where we started off... mdco. then mom texted, and i left.

back home, i found my old bed set up. i let myself collapse onto it. i smiled at the thought of sharing it with a certain someone.

This intoxication thrills me
I only pray it doesn't kill me
-Savage Garden

the tests were over and done with.

chex dragged me down to the caf. we sat down at les' table. they were drawing on a sketchpad. i just watched. cel was with her friends at the table beside us. she had me eat. after finishing the food, i slumped down, closed my eyes. i listened to them... their voices around me. a faint smile played across my lips. i let my mind go blank.
a touch me back to my senses. she was writing on my back. i couldnt make it out, but i paid attention to the feeling. then chex decided to head back up. i followed her.

she went to the computer room bringing mad along with her. i settled in the classroom with lex, loren, cam, eliana and angge. they were planning the making of a low cost film. i joined in. we came up with some really wild and weird ideas. it would be fun if we could pull them off.

we dispersed a bit for some time, all having some little matters to be taken care of. after that we came together again to go the audi. the show was entertaining. there was a carabao, to the delight of mad, and chickens, to the delight of cam and mars. there was a male version of sadako, which sent me and lex laughing our heads off, and the kids in the orchestra screaming. there was a wedding night scene, where the lights were put out just before they "did it", to the disappointment of chex, and the relief of cel. and the finale was the the singkil, which sent the teachers teasing sir eric. the show done, we all left.


i wanted to please her.
i think i did a pretty good job.

Save my best behavior for a little later
'Cause I'm only 17

i walked into the restaurant and spotted lex sitting alone in the far corner. we hugged each other before i sat down opposite her. her dad showed up from somewhere, followed soon after by miks who had been outside smoking. then marga and their mom arrived. so far it was just me and their family sharing laughs.
lex: ang tagal nila!
me: text mo nga!
lex: *texts loren* san na kayo??
loren: *texts back* sa bahay ni phy. nagbibihis pa yung gunggong!
*texts me* kasama mo na ba si lex?
me: *texts back* yes! we're hungry! hurry up! kayo nalang hinihintay! hahaha!
after some time, loren, domn, phy and elmo got there.
loren: ang dami niyo! bea, gagi ka talaga!
cam, bea h, arra, plus jord and four of his friends completed our group. there was food good for thirty, and we were only half that number, so.... well, you can just imagine. but more than food, we got full on laughter.

me: you're old!
lex: ...old is such a strong word...
everyone: *laughs*

loren: yung bote ng yakult, katawan mo bea!
me: eh sayo, coke in can!
loren: wushu! sayo yung 2 litro na bote!
me: sige, sayo yung isang galon na absolute!
everyone: *laughs*
me: *holds up a spoon* eto katawan ni ****.
lex: bat ganyan?
me: its figurative. diba malaki ulo niya?
loren: tama tama!
domn: diyos ko, amoy nun...
me: *holds up the saucer of bagoong* eto?
lex: *smells it* *cringes* thats about right.
everyone: *laughs*

me: wait... the kare kare sauce is orange.
cam: its supposed to be, isnt it?
me: but look at it, its orange! as in ORANGE!
loren: citrus flavor?
everyone: *laughs*

other table: *singing happy birthday loudly*
us: *looks at each other* *sings an even louder happy birthday*
lex: *hides*

marga: *on her third glass of iced tea*
loren: showdown! *races to finish her glass*
both of them: *choke*
the rest of us: *laughs*

marga: *on her third cup of bukopandan gulaman*
loren: showdown ulit?
me: *takes up a cup* *puts in toyo, hot sauce, melted ice cream, karekare sauce, calamansi drops, bagoong, iced tea, ketchup* *place cup on loren's plate*
loren: *looks at me, then the cup, then me*
everyone: *laughs*


after dinner, we crossed C-5 and headed into eastwood. the girls played bowling, while boys played billiards, with the exception of elmo who stuck around phy, hehehe. after our game, we left the boys (coz they still had time left) and wandered around eastwood. we walked through different shops, just browsing.

i was first at the party and the first to leave. i waved back at them as i made my way down the street to the car. it had been a good night out.

It's the way she fills my senses
It's the perfume that she wears
I feel I'm losing my defences
To the colour of her hair
And every little piece of her is right
Just thinking about her
Takes me through the night

she remarked that i was quiet.
she doesnt realize i still get tongue-tied around her.

I don't know what set me off first
But I know what I can't stand
-Linkin Park

i didnt think my eyes could actually... pierce.

Close my eyes when I go to bed and I
Dream of angels who make me smile
-Everclear

"bakit ka andito?"
"trip ko lang."

well, that wasnt true, hehehe.

I don't need no one to tell me about heaven
-Live

okay, the way she sings is more proof that she's an angel.

Everything I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one
You wanted me to be
-Three Doors Down

i walked through the entrance of the building to have about thirty familiar faces greet me. i laughed and waved. an hour later the facilitators had us line up and we started moving.

cam: i feel like we're all walking to our doom into an inferno. hey, did you know... an inferno is often thought of as a raging hot fire, right? well... its actually the opposite.

the upcat wasnt as hard as i expected it to be. it was just a rather long ordeal. not bad.

mamee and dadee! happy first monthsary!

It seems like I can finally
Rest my head on something real
I like the way that feels
-Ashlee Simpson

at first i just found it amusing.
then i realized i really love it.
when she calls my name.

Closing walls and ticking clocks
Gonna come back and take you home
-Coldplay

me: they've been in town for three weeks and we never knew about it?? HOW COULD WE NOT KNOW ABOUT IT??

the jalandonis are here. and they were heading back to the states the next day.

mom took me to the despedida. we got there, greeted everyone, then helped ourselves to the buffet. i sat with maddie while eating, talking about school and stuff...

me: so what have you been up to?
maddie: oh... you know... eating... shopping... movies... sleeping... basically nothing!

we went into the room with tj and turned on the tv. we settled on watching pool. or at least... what we though was pool. after some time, lola dora, my lolo's siter, entered in her wheelchair. tito max was with her and he carried her onto the bed. then he left, and we continued watching. after more time had passed, he came back in, this time with tita nadine and another guy who was apparently a priest. the priest was about to leave, and he wanted to bless lola dora before taking off. so he did. and we stood around her. she had her eyes closed as he mumbled words. then at some point she opened them... and they roamed around a bit... as if searching... before finally resting on me at the foot of the bed. i returned her gaze and smiled. she did too. the priest left. i finished a few more rounds of pool, then followed suit.

And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself
-Dashboard Confessional

i heard a car door close, and a familiar voice. kaiser barked. i grinned.

mom was home.

me and the boys gathered round her, taking turns in welcoming her back. she looked exhausted, but pretty happy. then we began the ritual of unloading her luggage.

there was a gift bag of lindt chocolate and we spared no time in attacking one of the bars. there were also a couple of boxes of after eight, which are sure to go fast. lots of coffee and tea, with a bottle of bailey's, the family faves. some wierd looking good luck charms, belts, bracelets, and a bird whistle. and a stuffed cow. that moos. we named it mad (from "mad cow"). he's the family mascot.

over halo-halo and buchi, mom told us stories of her trip. she had to write a forty page report. with all the material she had, she could write three-hundred fifty. she had plenty to tell. of how mothers cried over how there were gonna feed their kids. of how little boys had to walk miles to a market and back in the early morning to make just enough to survive another day. of how girls my age get kidnapped, sold out by their own best friends, to be brides for chinamen. of how fathers give away their daughters to pay for their debts. of how there are a thousand deaths on the road in vietnam coz of reckless, apathetic motorists. thats a higher death rate than in the war.

mad: *moos*
kaiser: *scampers away*
us: *laughs*

There's so much left to learn
And no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
-Seether

i knew the situation. i knew how she felt. i was going through almost the same thing, if not the exact same thing.

was life so unfair? was fate so cruel?
hn. i was laughing. i was cynical.

and that made her feel worse.
damn. i'm the bastard.

i stared out into the darkness outside my window. a hundred thoughts were racing through my mind, and one of them stood out.
wouldnt it be easier if i just disappeared...?
i glanced at my wrist. a thin dark line... and its pale twin on the other side...
no. i wont fuck up.

"don't ever stop loving me?"
she shouldnt have to ask.