Sunday, May 30

And the feeling that I'm falling further in love
Makes me shiver, but in a good way
-Stephen Speaks


i climbed outta the car, grabbed my bags and slung them over my shoulder.
alex: bea bea bea bea bea!
i laughed and walked over to where alex stood at the front door. she was talking on the phone with someone as we stepped into her house. i asked where cel was, then heard laughter behind me. i turned around and saw her sitting on the couch. then i turned back to alex.
me: kausap mo yung boy mo, noh?
alex: *grins*
me: hi fafa!
alex: shhh!
me: *laughs*

the three of us hung around the table, just laughing. then we changed setting, and moved to the front porch. alex's brother mikko and his friend joined us for a while, talking with us. alex had brought out her guitar. she was strumming a few tunes but not really playing anything. then the two boys left, and alex turned to walking in and out of the house. she was sorta restless, wanting us to get going already. i took the guitar and plucked at the strings aimlessly. cel sat beside me on the bench. thats how we stayed till a pick-up arrived with sop, les, angela and lalaine in it. alex called her sister, marga, from inside. we gathered ourselves, then boarded alex's van.

off to enchanted kingdom!

on C-5 we picked up jord after some... complications. alex's driver was being really hard to deal with. but in the end, we managed. that completed our group. we stopped by the petron station on the express way for a late lunch - mcdo, starbucks, and candy. then we drove on. it was one helluva road trip, with a lotta laughs. but a road trip was all it turned out to be. EK had this exclusive event happening, and they wouldnt let us in.

damn!

after fruitless negotiation and attemps to get in, we were on the road again. we agreed to just go home to my place and hang out. i brought out my discman. i let cel listen to a couple of songs before taking it back. i played my cd, singing a few songs under my breath. we arrived at my house and trooped upstairs. we lingered in my room for a short while, before moving out into family room to watch kung pow. i ran up and down the stairs for a while to get us coke and popcorn. our IQs deteriorated coz of that movie. COWS RULE THOUGH! then we ate dinner, then went back upstairs and watched beauty and the beast. then we went back to where we started - my room. jord and alex took the beanbag in the corner. lalaine, les, angela and cel stayed on one side playing with lego. marga sat in the center, fiddling with snoopy and cellphones. sop lay down on my bed, and i settled down beside her. everyone was enjoying themselves rather well. when it was time for them to leave, none of them were budging. and i wasnt complaining.

at all.

Sunday, May 23

I don't want to be the one the battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize that I'm the one confused
-Linkin Park


"beija..."
"..."
"get up..."
"..."
"please."

that got to me.
"...mmrr"
i kicked off the covers and sat up, looking up at mom wearily. she bent down and kissed me on the cheek, then left the room. i sighed.

when i climbed into the car, dad squeezed my shoulder before he started driving.

i hadnt been to the village church in ages. i think not since the start of the year. by the time i usually wake up on sundays, mass is already over. same thing goes for dad. and mom wont go alone, so we end up going to a different church, in the afternoons. but this morning, my feet tread upon familiar marble.

we found an vacant pew. the choir began singing. i glanced up at them in the loft. there were two tenors, kuya raffy, our pianist, with marvin. two bases, kuya noel and kuya eric. two altos, ate jean and chesca. and ate pauline, the lone soprano.
me: ang onti nila...
dad: *looks down at me*
me: what?
dad: *looks up at the choir loft, then down at me again*
me: oh, alright...

i left the pew and climbed the spiral staircase. they saw me, i raised my hand at them, and they nodded.
ate pauline: still remember your notes?
me: *inhale* yeah...

sometimes, the only meaning i find in the mass is in singing. maybe coz its the only thing that doesnt seem so ritual.

when we got back home, i found kaiser lying down in the corner of the kitchen. i slumped down against the wall beside him. he moved his head, snuggling against my leg. i stroked his fur.
you didnt get much sleep last night did you, boy?
i remembered feeling his trembling breath underneath my fingertips last night as the storm raged on.

after lunch, mom had us all get into the lancer. migs and chad wanted to go separately in the sentra, but it was kinda busted. we had already reached the grounds of our destination, but werent quite there yet, when mig, who was driving, pointed to the temperature gauge...
mig: dad, thats not supposed to be happening, is it?
the needle indicated overheating.
the boys got out and looked under the hood. i sat in the car with my feet hanging out the open door. mig took a wet rag and began trying to take of the radiator cap (i think).
dad: mapapaso ka.
mig: dont worry, i'll run.

he took it off, and hot water and steam began spewing out. mig backed off quickly but still got wet. he poured water into the thing, which kept it cool enough to get us to our destination.
we walked over to the plot of earth. i set the flowers down, and crouched down beside them. i traced the markings engraved in stone...
Beatriz Valenzuela
i never knew my grandmom. but judging by the way my mom talked about her, and the way my mom loved me, she must've been a great woman.
my gaze turned from that marble slab to another...
Victor Valenzuela it'd already been a year.
mom: hey, dad... how're you doing?
i watched mom's face as she looked down at the grave. it was peaceful. i wish i could look upon death like that. my face was probably blank. but behind empty features lie a lot of emotion... sadness. relish. and even... longing.
dad wanted to visit his own father's grave, which wasnt so far from where we were. so we walked there. i brought up the rear of the line.
mig: beija! catch! *kicks a fallen fruit at me*
me: *catches it with my foot* *raises eyebrow*
mig: *laughs*
me: *smirks*

we reached the grave.
mig: hey, what happened to the gold lettering?
dad: it was stolen some time ago. that's why your lola had that new black slate put there.
chad: the date is wrong... isnt it supposed to say '79?
mig: yeah, it says '75. but thats before i was born. that means i never knew him! *turns to me* beija, i've been living a lie!
me: *laughs head off*

as we left the the grave, i looked down at it one last time. walking back to the car, i was in front of the line this time, with the wind whipping around me.

Saturday, May 22

So this is my new freedom
Its funny, I don't remember being chained
-Savage Garden


we went to sta. lucia to watch camille's recital. me and therese were the first there. joanne arrived with her brother and cousin. then evee came with her sister. after that, i found bea h in the crowd. and maecy showed up unexpectedly, coz she had told us she probably wouldnt be able to make it coz her dad wasnt well. we stood on the sidelines leaning against the glass panes of a store.
some of the numbers were terrible. but some of the numbers were awesome. most of the ballet. and the hiphop dance.
sometimes cam would come out between numbers and hang around with us for a while. then she would return backstage. we could catch glimpses of her there. she was prepping for some upcoming solo parts. we could tell she was nervous. when she performed, i had the guts to cheer. REAL LOUD. hehe, people stared.
cam: ang ingay mo!
me: *grins*
cam: *smiles*

evee gave cam a little gift. it was this pink butterfly figure attatched to a stick.
evee: its your sceptre, princess.
me: the pink butterfly princess!
*laughs*

vince and his best friend joined us. we had a blast posing for studio pics. what a riot. then we ate. i scalded my tongue after putting a sizzling hot piece of steak in my mouth. but no real harm done. we had to occupy two tables. cam sat with the three boys, and the rest of us on the other table.
me: *at the other table* para sa mga bata yang table na yan!
cam: *sticks her tongue out at me* so? i'm a kid.
me: my mistake. para sa mga batang lalaki!
cam: excuse me! *grabs at her pigtails* babae po ako!
me: para sa mga batang lalaking bakla!

maecy had squid on her plate.
maecy: napanood nyo ba sa amazing race, yung pinakain sila ng octupus, hiwa na pero gumagalaw pa?
jo: oo!
me: pwede ba... kumakain ako!
maecy: *laughs* gusto mo tikman? *points at the squid*
me: ayoko. mamaya tumatalon na yan sa tiyan ko.
jo: naku maecy, pano ka mamayang gabi?!
maecy: *rubs her tummy* "op, op, wag kayong magulo!"
me: "sige kayo, papalabasin ko kayo!" *imitates someone answering the call of nature*
*very loud laugter*

then we went back up to claim the pics. then we made a few stops at the game shop, anime stand, music store and national bookstore before leaving the mall.
joanne's mom was taking me, cam, vince, and vince's best friend back to cam's house. with jo, her bro and cousin in the car, there was hardly any space. joanne ended up on her bro's lap, and cam on mine. we managed to get out without any serious injuries.

Friday, May 21

Dont tell me how to be
Coz I like some suffering
Dont ask me what I need
I'm just fine here finding me
-Vertical Horizon


i had slammed my hand down on the alarm and went right back to sleep. mom had to come in and shake me awake. i was late. again. not that i really cared.

it was pouring outside. i was getting drowsy, despite all the laughs we were having. rain tends to have that effect on me.

and somewhere in the distance i hear the screeching breakes of car, before a loud crash.
alex: drinking and driving is bad.
me: yup...
alex: good thing I just drive.
me: good thing I just drink!

Sunday, May 16

It's like a dream you try to remember
But it's gone
Then you try to scream
But it only comes out as a yawn
When you try to see the world
Beyond your front door
-Barenaked Ladies


i can hear their voices downstairs.

dad's - calm and somewhat tired. mig's - frustrated and very tired. mom wasnt talking, but i'm sure she was there at the table with them, listening to every word.

mig wants out. out of this house. eventually out of this country. to do that, he needs money. and he's willing to sacrifice his happiness for that. he's rather take a job that pays then one he enjoys doing. he just... doesnt care anymore.

each member of this family has their own set of ideals. we often clash. but we never force them upon each other. and even though they contradict the norm, society, or even our own beliefs, we try to support each other's decisions.

back in new york, chad came home once announcing he was getting his ear pierced. i
mom: okay. i've got a diamond stud in my drawer. you can use that.
and in jordan, he wanted to get his hair dyed green.
dad: long as you dont get thrown in prison.

mig knows i dont share his sentiments. but he also knows i've always got his back.

just like i know he's always got mine.

Friday, May 14

If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would
-Linkin Park



i should've seen it coming. i should've been able to prevent it.

and i couldn't go to her. i wanted to be there to wipe her tears. i wanted to be there to hug her. i wanted to FUCKING BE THERE!

but apparently..."it was not my place". not my place, my ass! but arguing with my father in the dead of night was not a good idea. all i could do was grit my teeth, nod once, turn on my heels and head back to my room.

all i had were words. i dont know if they're enough to reassure her that she's not alone.

...

i do know they'll never be enough to tell her how much i love her.

Friday, May 7

Then with the eyes tightly shut looking through the rust and rot and dust
A small spot of light floods the floor
And pours over the rusted world of pretend
The eyes ease open and its dark again
-Linkin Park 

i looked over my CEM exam results. they were... great...
GEOMETRY
standard score: 652
percentile rank: 94
ENGLISH
standard score: 800 (...highest possible score)
percentile rank norm: 99+
READING
standard score: 800
percentile rank: 99+
instructional reading level: year four

...and i'm royally f***ing pissed at myself, because my card grades dont reflect that at all. i'm too f***ing lazy.

its my parent's anniversary today. we went out to eat.

mig is trying to quit smoking. its taking its toll on him. withdrawal symptoms. harsh. he felt like throwing up on the way home. and thats not the worst of it. but i hope he keeps it up.

i remember asking chad once why he smoked.
chad: i have a deep rooted psychological problem.

...heck, i guess it runs in the family.

Tuesday, May 4

You showed me
When I was young just how to grow
You showed me
Everything that I should know
You showed me
Just how to walk without your hands
'Cause mom you always were
The perfect fan
-Backstreet Boys

i couldnt even look my own parents in the eye.

mom: you didnt want to do the work?
me: *nod*
mom (softly): *sigh* that was my problem with chad...
me: *wince* ...

my brother dropped out of college. dont think that i regard him any less though. i still hold him in the highest respect. kung may aangal, makakatikim kayo sa 'kin.

its was hot. i sat on the rug at mom's feet. dad came in through the front door. i remembered how about an hour ago he half-slammed it on the way out. he was trying to control his anger. he hovered above me a while. i had my head bowed, not daring to raise it. then he handed me a glass of cold halo-halo he just bought on the way home. i blinked, reached up and took it.

i've got great folks.

and great friends. (you know who you are.)

it rained. i went out. kaiser followed me. i chased him around the driveway for a while. then i stopped... and just stood in the rain, looking up at the sky...

i recall dreams... of a girl with black wings... black because the blood on them was too thick, too dark. and no matter how much the rain poured down upon them... the blood wouldnt wash away. but it would at least disguise the tears... so people couldnt see them.

Sunday, May 2

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves
Somewhere we live inside
-Switchfoot


my arms were sore from the punishment she was giving me. i didnt care.

we hadnt done this in ages. i'd missed it. i missed seeing her laugh. i missed hearing her laugh. i missed feeling her hand on my shoulder as she laughed. and i missed laughing with her.

we were like kids again. growling at each other like we did in the second grade. she's one of those who has stuck with me the longest.


*****

she cried. at first i was just sitting beside her. then i hugged her.

why couldnt fate just leave her alone? she'd suffered so much already. i could feel myself shaking. i was angry. at fate for throwing all the pain at her. at myself for not being able stop the pain.

she was whispering. some of the words i couldnt hear. but i could... feel them. all the hurt they carried. i told her to dig her nails into my hand. i could feel her fingers tense... as if testing the surface of the water. she never did it.

*****

she lay beside me. i held her. buried my face in her hair. listened to her breathing. loved the feeling of her so close to me.

if i could capture any moment, it would've been that moment.

the moment i had an angel sleeping in my embrace. my angel.

if at that instant death chose walk through the door and claim me, i would've died happy. but i'm glad he didnt, coz i can look forward to it again.
I've got to make this life make sense
Can anyone do what I've done
I missed life
I missed the colours of the world
Can anyone go where I am
-Three Doors Down


monday
it was one in the morning, and i stepped into the house. kaiser leaned against my leg and dad trapped me in a death hug. chad ruffed my hair and migs nodded at me.
we sat around the table for a couple of hours, going through the pasalubong, emptying out what was left in the fridge, laughing over experiences from the past four weeks. till drowsiness finally began to tug at our eyelids.
i hadnt slept in my own bed for a month. and when i crashed down on it, i knew i was really home.

*****

tuesday
sleepovers rock!
i invited sop, lalaine and cel to spend the night at my place.

that morning, my dad had me running around the house doing stuff.
me: why me?!
dad: *raises eyebrow* because.
me: you can be mean, y'know that?
dad: *pulls me into his grip* i know. *smiles*
me: hn. *smiles back*

by lunchtime, i was pretty tired, and it didnt help that i was still suffering from jet lag. after eating i went upstairs to lie down. before i knew it i had dozed off. and the next moment, susan was shaking me awake.
susan: bog, andito na mga bisita mo...
me: *groans* *blinks* crap! *dashes out of the room*

on the way down, i saw pia on the couch. messed up her hair a bit, then went to the door.
lalaine: namamasko po! mukhang maganda itong bahay niyo ah, pwedeng makitira?
me: rar! *gives lalaine a noogie*

then i led them up to my room. we went through my pictures and albums, did a few icebreaker questions for the heck of it, rumaged through the contents of lalaine's cellphone. mostly just talked and laughed. after a while, i brought them down for a snack, then back up to watch movies - my sassy girl (i have to admit fate's a genius...), how to lose a guy in ten days (*coughs - bastard*), bring it on again (*coughs - bitch*), kill bill (brought out the saddist in me, nyahahahahahahahaha!), the italian job (hackers rawk!). somewhere between that we had dinner. and mom even brought up midnight snacks for us.
cel: *puts one too many wasabi nuts in her mouth* mmph... *fans self with hand*
it was dawn. and we headed down to the guestroom to sleep. lalaine lay down on the mattress on the floor. i rolled off the bed and dropped onto her. then i rolled over her. then i rolled over her again. i could hear the maids moving about in the kitchen already by the time sleep overcame me. i woke up a little later, and realized cel was still in the armchair beside the bed. i sent her to bed, then settled back down myself.
i woke up less than a couple of hours later. the rest of them were asleep. i made my way out of the room. daphne was in the kitchen. i sat down at their little table there, and she put a bowl in front of me along with a box of cereal and a carton of milk. i ate. when i finished, i took kaiser out and played with him. after tiring him and myself out, i let him back in the house and returned to the room. and i just stood there for a while, letting the presence of my friends put me at ease.
one by one, they woke up. started talking. sometime after that, i went out, and had breakfast for cel prepared coz she was leaving earlier. we talked some more. then her car came to pick her up. we saw her off. a butterfly flew into the vehicle just as she closed the door.
we went back to the room, but it wasnt long before we were called to lunch. so we ate, had our fill, then played with the dog in the kitchen. after we figured we had given him enough attention, we left kaiser and returned to the room again. we just reclined on the matresses. i rolled over lalaine a couple of more times, and this time she decided to get back at me by piling the pillows and blankets on top of me, then promptly adding herself to the pile. lots of talking. lots of laughing. and by the time they left, my stomach was aching
later that afternoon, they had me join a four-way call with kyle. at around 5pm, dad had to use the phone, so i hung up on them and climbed into bed. i didnt wake up till three the next morning.

*****

saturday
it was noon. i arrived at pink toes, camille's dance school. rung her phone. vince came out and had me come in. i sat down on the side between her two brothers. camille approached me, and i handed her a bag of fries and a coke. along with her pasalubong. she put them aside, then went back on to the dancefloor. she'd gotten better at ballet. after about half an hour, the ballet gave way to hiphop. most of the ballet dancers pulled on a couple of shirts, and papu and vince joined in. astig teacher nila! and i think he was gay. anyway, i continued watching them. si camille, ang siga. si papu, nabakla naman ata.
during breaks cam would hang around me, and we would joke around, and i'd end up getting slapped on the arms for teasing her. it hurt... but i had missed that, so i didnt mind.
after their lessons, papu drove us home. as we entered the house, camille cautioned me on something. i had my suspicions. even my mom had them. now they were confirmed. i just nodded, and we proceeded.
first agenda was, as usual, eat. then we watched vince play kingdom hearts on the ps2. i got a real kick outta seeing cloud and sephiroth from final fantasy VII in the game, hahaha. then evee arrived. we hung out in camille's room.
cam: *chatting away*
evee: you're room is very... pink.
(pause)
me: *laughs my head off*

therese arrived. the party was complete. ate anna put spaghetti and sweet bananas on the table. chow time again. then we settled down to watch pirates of the caribbean on cam's spiffy new tv. by the time that was over, dinner was ready.
me: *rambling on and on and on...*
therese: bea's back to spread her insanity.
me: i'm just making up for lost time. i had to somewhat restrain myself in the states.
evee: *picks up a mango* y'know, i'm allergic to mango...but anyway....*starts eating the mango*
me: (mock tone) oh god, evee! you're turing pink!
evee: hahaha! now we can use me as a decoration in camille's room!
*laughs*

after dinner, we made evee play the piano. nakapa nya ung my immortal. wow.
then evee's mom came around to fetch her. we went out to see her off, and i saw my own car driving up the street. so i ran back in to put on my shoes (i was barefoot again, hehehe) and snatch up my bag. said goodbye to the lot of them, then headed home.