C'mon, now, now
C'mon, now, now
Enjoy the humor of the situation
-Barenaked Ladies

stray strands of my hair was plastered to my forehead and neck. as i splashed water over my face, i could taste it mingled with sweat. i had no more breath left in me and my head was slightly spinning. but i laughed softly as i sat down with my groupmates. we had come in fourth place in our division for the house activity, which wasnt so bad. sides, we had fun running around. though it probably wasnt such a good idea.

i twitched as we sang the closing prayer in music class. that song might make me cry someday. just might.

writers' bloc was chill time. i had them watch finding forester. at the back, i rested on cel's thigh, maecy rested on my lap, and loren rested on maecy's waist. we put each other to good use, haha.

leadership training - the talks given by ms arcilla, ms samson and ms manahan entertained us quite a bit. and the open forum was a killer. they were seated in front beside each other - all wearing white shirts and black pants; all young, former assumptionistas; and all... unmarried...

miz m: bawal daw itatanong kung bakit hindi pa kami kasal. we are the three virgin goddesses.
seniors: *laugh*
other batches: ???
miz m: haha! hindi makarelate yung hindi pa nagaaral ng greek myth!
seniors: *laugh even more*

question: what if a lower-ranking officer is competing with you for authority by doing your job?
answer: anak... kung naghahabol talaga siya ng gagawin... then just overload her with work so that she wont have time to do her own job, much less yours!

question: what if your own friend is badmouthing/backstabbing you? how you deal with it?
answer: iha... kasimple lang... she is not your friend! bakit mo pa magiging kaibigan yan eh *rants and rants and rants*

question: what if they dont listen to you? for example, they dont go down for the morning talk when you tell them to?
answer: well... for that particular example, ganito lang yan... the night before magipon ka na ng mga ipis tas isabog mo yung mga yun sa classroom, sigurado magsisibabaan agad sila.

on a final note, classroom floors are really lousy for decent rest. espcially when you have a lousy sleeping bag.

I am
A little bit insecure
A little unconfident
'Cause you don't understand
I do what I can
But sometimes I don't make sense
-Linkin Park

has the world turned its back on me...

or have i turned my back on the world?

Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I'll be watching you
-Police

sight

sound

smell

feel

and god,

taste

of her...

i've surrendered to it all.

Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above
-Edwin McCain

cam, lex and i changed our shirts, then we waited for an hour to be picked up, during which time we amused ourselves by playing with cam's whoopie cushion. kuya jonie finally arrived, and we were off to starbucks.

marcos was so friggin' jammed up. we were on the road for more than three hours. we wanted to pull our hair out in the car. when we were near enough to katipunan, we got out and walked the rest of the way. we came through the door of the cafe, damp and tired. but that didnt matter much when we spotted mike, lalaine and sop on the couch.

i slumped down beside them, relishing in the warmth of the coffee going down my throat and their company. cam and alex sat at the table working on slices of cake. after a number of laughs, we decided to go for dinner. treading through puddles, we made our way to pizza hut where we had our fill and more laughs.

i paid the bill, then we left for lalaine's house. she rode with mike, i took the others in my car. i was supposed to bring them home, but the traffic situation had hardly improved, if it had at all, so we made arrangements for them to just crash at my place. at the corner of lalaine's street, we said goodbye to mike, and took her the rest of the way. after seeing her home, we headed back to commonwealth.

it was past one in the morning. cam curled up on the wooden frame of the other bed. lex settled down on my bean bag. sop and i shared my bed.

sometime in the middle of the night, i heard lex fidgeting. i got up, went out, and brought back a couple of blankets. she muttered a soft "thank you" as i draped them over her and cam. then i crawled back into bed, pulling my own over me and sop.

i leaned against the gate as i saw them off the next the morning. i had decided that flash floods and very heavy traffic can produce some good results. there was a light shower raining down on me as a smile played across my lips.

i can lose myself in her presence.

This world is changing and the pressure's got me going down
My feet are walking from this sad and lonely one-horse town
-Point Break

ms jona gave us back our test papers in algeb. after class, she called me and a few others. she's goinna give us a small exam, and our score there will be added to our unit test grade. the reason for this? while we were taking the test the day before, a classmate of ours fainted. four of us in the back dropped our pens immediately. they told me to tell the clinic. i ran. upon arriving at the main clinic, i realized i shouldve just gone to the satellite. haha, too much adrenaline i guess.

during homeroom, sir mark gave us a crash course in bio as review for the entrance exams. i'm not sure if it was just me, but i think he was really nervous.

we continued viewing helen of troy for english. at the back of our minds, miz m's words of the day before echoed.
miz m: be forewarned, you will see helen stip. a lot.
class: O_o
me: ...yay.

from recess till lunch, we had no class, our teachers being absent. we did a bit of work, but for the most part bummed around. after lunch, CLE and filipino dragged on as usual. then finally the anticipated event of the day arrived. the parade in OE. i draped a black cloth around my body, wrapped my arms in gauze, and mounted wings on my shoulders.

thanatos.
god of death.

and i was grinning the whole time.

If i was invisible
Then I could just watch you in your room
If I was invisible
I'd make you mine tonight
-Clay Aiken

i sat on the floor with my jacket draped around me, fighting off sleep and ignoring the cold.

i was doing my best to comfort her. i told myself that i should at least get her to smile.

and she did.
just before going to back to sleep.

i was glad. really glad.
of the things i have accomplished in my lifetime...
its things like that i'm most proud of.

A little taste of hyprocrisy
And left in the wake of the mistake
Slow to react
-Linkin Park

me, lex and loren were all absent today.
conspiracy?!
maybe. *grins*

i hope my lousy health improves soon. i'm starting to dread going to the hospital.

Moving all around
Screaming of the ups and downs
Pollution manifested in perpetual sound
The wheels go round and the sunset creeps behind
Street lamps, chain-link and concrete
-Linkin Park

the group was really split.
chez and camille - yellow.
lex and therese - blue.
maecy and jo - red.
loren and me - green.
the two of us sat ourselves beside phy. we chatted while waiting for the mass to start.
loren: bea, bagay sayo suot mo.
phy: yung design?
loren: yung kulay.
me: *laughs* tama!
the grade one were lined up beside us. the teachers told us to set examples for them. we smirked. that might not be such a good idea.

it was raining, i was grateful for the cold air, coz i was beggining to feel lightheaded. i managed to get through the day without fainting though.

later that evening, i was chatting with lalaine, chris, myk, and luc.
there was a problem. we needed a solution.
what we came up with - "lets just kill the damn biatch! hahaha!"

mom called while that was happening. i think she sensed that i wasnt exactly well. i reassured her that i'd take care of myself.

she can worry about me when she gets back home.

Let me walk with you, maybe I could say
Maybe talk with you, open up
And let me through
-Dave Matthews

tits sylvia was pretty pleased. perfect attendance. although there were those who came late. namely us. everyone was there. well, everyone who was in town anyway.

by the time we had gotten there, most of the food was gone. much to our dismay. but the maids quickly remedied that, whipping out some fresh dishes, which made the other guests wish they had also gotten up at noon.

scout, peace's labrador retriever, kept pacing around us. she was carrying this rag in her mouth, and we took turns playing tug-of-war with her.

after a while, we let ourselves sink into the couches and armchairs. conversation was about anime and games, surprisingly. even more surprising was that i wasnt really joining in on it. normally, i'd be hyped up. but instead i just listened to them, savoring the iced coffee served to us.

i wanted to just wanted to watch them. i've realized... i dont know my family. just finding out that gizmo was taking up creative writing caught me way off guard.

for the sixteen years (or most of it anyway) i've lived under the same roof as my brothers, it seems i've never gotten that close to them. and... i've never really cared. i've never asked to be a part of their lives, never asked them to be a part of mine. they've never asked me either. we have that silent understanding that we genuinely love each other, but i've been thinking... maybe its about time for it to became more than that.

leaving the party, chad and i went on ahead to the car while mig and dad finished saying their goodbyes. it was drizzling. we crossed the street.

i was walking beside him. maybe in time... i'll walk with him.

Does anybody really know what time it is?
Does anybody really care?
If so i can't imagine why
We've all got time enough to cry
-Chicago

the priest's speech was slurred and he was rambling. but there were a few points that caught my attention.
diabolic possession. he said he once had an expirience of exorcism. the victim supposedly had five thousand demons in him, coz when they asked the devil his name, he answered "legion". the man could throw off huge guys without breaking a sweat, and lift a ref with one arm.

*****

loren: tae. tae ka. tae ako. tae tayong lahat!

I've gotta be chained to you
-Savage Garden

classes went by fast enough.
writers' bloc was a blast.
CAT was cancelled and i rejoiced coz i had forgotten to bring my attire.
and i got to hang out in UP for a while with sop and lalaine. the trios la wackos reunited!
fate was actually... dare i say it... kind to me.

*****

just being in the same room makes my heart race.
you cant imagine whats its like to touch her.

I've woken now to find myself
In the shadows of all I have created
-Evanescence

question: anyone who might consider transfering to section 3?
raised hands: camille, alex, me
it was talked over. in the end, nothing happened. too many complications.

we walked out of the CA's office and back into the classroom. i picked up my bags and brought them outside to where therese and joanne were waiting. i looked over my shoulder. a small group had gathered around cam and lex. i put my bags down and headed back in.
"sinong lilipat??"
"wala nga, hindi itutuloy!"
most dispersed at that. three remained - karla, jean and april.
karla had tears in her eyes. jean kept insisting we should stay. april kept hugging me.
me: hey, relax, we're not going anywhere.
karla: its... argh. maybe i was blind when i saw this class as united.
camille: we're united here.

...

we're just not happy here.

that night was the birthday party of my granduncle. we had planned to arrive after the mass, but walked in on the homily. so we stood at the back, until it was done. then lila came over and dragged me to "the cousins' table". i downed a glass of root beer before doing the duty of going around and greeting everyone. then i returned for another glass. dinner was served soon after that. the food was great, especially the lechon. one of my cousins played a few numbers on the guitar. and his wife sang a couple of songs. then there were some speeches. and a slideshow. then the part we had all been waiting for - the dance number by the "the cousins". they kept telling me to join them.
me: i didnt get to practice with you guys!
tito boy: it wont matter. really.
well. it did matter.
...but only just a bit.
ang adik nila! gutsy lept around throwing confetti. gizmo was shaking like an epilectic.we were clutching our stomachs.
i wouldnt mind making a fool of myself with those guys though.


*****

we were sitting on the ledge in the penthouse, wathching our classmates do cartwheels and dance moves. then somewhere from beside us we heard a small thud, followed by several high pitched exclamations.

looking over my shoulder, i saw a bird lying on the floor.

"its hurt..."
"yung pakpak ata..."
"someone pick it up..."

april stretched her hand out, but it tried to flutter away, and she backed off. i approached, kneeling down slowly, and gently as i could manage took it into my hands. mars placed her hand on my shoulder, i nodded, and we headed for the satellite clinic. no one was there. when we had left the penthouse, ms ajero wasnt there yet, but there was a good chance she was now.

mars: i'll just go up and tell her about this... you go on to the clinic... o kaya maghanap ka ng manong.

i just nodded. she headed back up, and i headed down the last flight of stairs. i stopped when i got to the caf, and just looked down at the bird in my palm. i stroked it with my thumb.

then...
it flew.

...

i guess broken wings heal.



i sat down in the chair beside her. from the corner of my eye, i saw her wipe her eyes.
"whats wrong?"
"nothing."
i sighed inwardly, shruged and slumped onto the table. i had just been musing over how distant we were becoming again.
i'm not a part of their lives anymore.

later in the day, she admitted something to me. she's scared of me.
"thats why i didnt want to you to see me crying this morning." 
"why were you crying?"
"i was thinking about some... bad memories."
"what memories?"
"i dont want to think about them anymore."
"..."
"i used to show my dark side to you. ngayon... wala nang nakakakita. but i dont think i can keep in for much longer. yknow i wish i was like you. able to hold everything in."

...

you dont want that.
trust me.

...

i know what you want.

"you want the old me back?"
"yes. but i know you cant do that."

...

*puts mask back on*

its easier than you think.

When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
-Goo Goo Dolls

my addiction to pain hurts not only me.

WHY THE FUCK TO I HAVE TO SCREW EVERYTHING UP?!

They say two thousand zero, zero, party over, oops, out of time
So tonight we're gonna party like it's 1999
-Prince

writers' bloc is back in session!

cel: *enters*
me: san ka galing?
cel: you dont wanna know.
miz m: nag PAFA yan!
gang: *laughs*
me: hindi, baking with Art!
cel: ...*nods slowly*
gang: *roars with laughter*

kaye: *shows miz m charicatures of the fourth yr teachers*
miz m: bakit ako wala?
kaye: wala pa po, gagawin ko pa.
me: eto si miz m. *draws stick figure on blackboard*
miz m: ang sama mo! ...ganyan ako magdrawing!
gang: *laugh heads off*
miz m: bigyan mo naman ako ng palda! *draws a skirt* at buhok! *draws hair* at dapat may fingers ako! *draws fingers*
gang: *REALLY laughing heads off*

the kapatiran was boring for the most part. but at dinner things lightend up. glyphics was playing in the center. we were laughing at each other's jokes, fooling around with our costumes, singing along. during the awarding i was half alseep on loren's lap. after that, made our way to the field. the bonfire was cool. and there was a full moon.

back at the classroom we all settled down. my sleeping bag was in the far corner in the back, parallel to the divider (which was ajar so we could talk to loren and chex on the other side, hahaha). alex placed her mat beside mine, cam put her's beside alex's. i was leaning against the ledge and noticed cam curled up, resting her head on her arm. i threw my pillow at her, grabbed my bag, lay my head down on it and went to sleep.

the next morning we were up in the penthouse. chex seated herself on the ledge. i lay down on it, my head on her thigh. therese sat leaning against it on the floor, her head on my tummy. when the seniors were asked to stand and bless the freshmen, i got up and walked over to where my sister sat. after the prayer i sat down, and she leaned her head on my shoulder as the teachers talked on. neither of us was really listening.

back home, i didnt want to do anything but collapse and not get up for a while. but i dragged myself out to the restaurant. at least san jacinto had great food. although after eating, i feel asleep on the table. chad shook my awake a while later.
chad: we're going to pia's. sama ka. you can relax there.
they didnt have to take me along. but they did anyway. mom stayed in the restaurant. she'd pick me up with the driver in the other car on they way home. so we crashed on pia's couch. i got to finish a movie, a bowl popcorn, half a jar of oatmeal cookies, and a couple glasses of coke before mom arrived.

back home again, i was free to collapse on the bed.