The stars will cry
The blackest tears tonight
And this is the moment that I live for
I can smell the ocean air
And here I am
Pouring my heart onto these rooftops
Just a ghost to the world
That's exactly
Exactly what I need
-Story of the Year

pain.

i grew so used to it. got so tired of it. so i figured i might as well learn to love it.
and i did.

but...
its not like i wanted things to turn out that way.

i guess i thought it would be easier...

fucking masochist.

pain became a part of me.

...

yknow... i actually dont like making promises... coz i've dissapointed too many people too many times too many ways...

but i still make them...
and i still try to keep them...

...

pain... was disappearing from my life...

it was alien to me.

i caved... i broke the promise.

and i got more than a cut on my wrist...
when i hurt her...that tore at my heart.

...

when she asked me to smile... i wanted to... for her.

i tried...

maybe... for some fleeting moment it was real.

but i ended up hurting her again.

...

yet after all that...

i believe i've discovered just how much she loves me.

I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind
-Linkin Park

right now
i want to go to sleep
and not wake up
ever.

And he said someday I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dying
-Tim McGraw

i looked out my window to the pouring rain outside.
some things mean a lot to me.

some things mean more.

I'm on fire
When you're near me
I'm on fire
When you speak
And I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries
-Switchfoot

me: why does everybody keep stealing my cow?!
mikee: may alaga ka na eh!
me: *blink* *laughs*

sop: malapit na sem break namin.
miz m: buti pa kayo!
ms gaye: buti pa kayo...
me: *laughs*

me: psst... soulmate mo.
sop: *sees sir jimenez* *cringes and groans*
me: *laughs*

sir mark: ginagawa niyo naman akong cat-sitter eh!
me: sir, kami nalng.
sir mark: *gives us the cat*
ms carrie: may pangalan na yan eh...
sir mark: pag mark yun... naku.
them: *leaves*
les: anong pangalan?
sop: mark.
me: *laughs*

i laugh a lot on wednesdays.

On and on we stand alone
Until our day has come
When they open their eyes
And realize we are one
-Alter Bridge

lex, cam and i changed into our PE uniforms and headed up to the multi. we were early, the first three there. ms ajero saw us and called us. when we had approached her, she pointed to some poles on the side.
"tulungan niyo akong ilagay sa pwesto yung mga yan."
we obliged, not knowing the task was not as easy as we thought. when took of the hold of the poles and began to push and pull. they wouldnt budge. then we observed that there were no wheels underneath the base. but there were two wheels that were kinda sticking outta the side. after a minute of racking our heads, we finally realized we had to bend the post downwards so that we could wheel it into place. without it falling down on us, of course. i placed my foot against the base, took hold of the pole, gulped, then slowly pulled it down towards me. cam stood behind me catching the top of the pole to help support it. lex wouldve helped but... well, she had a bad arm. then we dragged, and i mean dragged, the pole to its place on the court. one down. we returned to do the same for the other. we thought we had finished when...
"o, yung kabila naman!"
our eyes widened. cam and i trudged to the other side of the stage. lex on the meanwhile set up the net for the poles already in place. we moved around several more poles, but those were easier since they had four wheels under the base, and set up the nets for those too. we were sweaty and tired, and the period hadnt even started.
after the warm up, we played badminton on the side, coz all the nets were occupied. what a bummer we didnt even get to enjoy the fruits of our labor. but we still enjoyed ourselves... combining badminton with a bit of tennis... bit of golf... bit of volleyball... and a whole lot of lunacy and laughs.

at the end of the day, loren came to lex. they had both been avoiding each other the whole day. i didnt see how it all happened... but i did see lex let loren touch her arm... at which loren immediately hugged her.

If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
Time after time
-Cyndi Lauper

i opened my eyes again, looked at my watch, then turned to look at the entrance of the building through the open car door. i was out of time. i muttered some cuss word under my breath... then swallowed... and slowly reached for the door handle...

tara...

i could hardly recognize my own voice. i saw kuya jonie glance at me... as if to make sure he had heard right... before turning the engine on. i closed my eyes, then closed the door. the sound of it shutting was like a blow to the gut. and as the car pulled out of the parking lot... i could feel myself being torn.

tae ka talaga, Fate. but i'll make up for this.

my gaze fell on the algebra book left open on my lap... with a few pieces of scratch paper scattered over it... and my hand resting on top, still holding my pen. there were scribbled computations... but one sheet was just all doodles... figures that made no real sense...

except

the one word in the middle... which i hadnt even realized i had written.

"angel"

If I could, then I would
I'd go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go
-The Calling

tears...
nightmares...

i'd forfeit anything and everything if it would make them go away...
if it would protect her.

They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot
-Counting Crows

i hate seeing it happen. i hate seeing it happen to her especially. and i can see it happen clearly... having "been there". the jealous best friend... her place being invaded... her territory tresspassed on.

i can feel blood heating up... and a heart going cold.

and i realize there's a lot of time for many possibilities before the school year is up...

This is the last smile
That I’ll fake for the sake of being with you
-Linkin Park

i dunno what to make of it anymore.

that whole week she was absent from school, life suddenly became much easier. i could get though a day without the thought of punching the window beside me ever crossing my mind... i didnt need to fight myself to keep my promise. part of me wants to sever myself from her. but she's tied to my other friends... more than i am. i would risk being the loner again. part of me wouldnt mind. part of me doesnt want that.

and part of me, after everything, was still worried sick about her during that week.

Another dissident
Take back your evidence
It has no power to deceive
-Live

theatre...
its not really my world, but its a part of my life. mostly thanks to dad. and i do enjoy it.
i'm really proud of my dad's work... though i dont think i've actually ever told him that.

before the play, mom and i were taking in some coffee. the caffeine gave me a kick. hehehe. we found our seats, and waited for the play to start. i got kinda impatient and turned to bugging chad, poking him and going "kuya kuya kuya!", before pausing and realizing i had never really called him kuya directly before.

'sacriledge' was about women in the priesthood. dad was kinda skeptical about taking the job at first, coz of the sensitive issue. but i think he loved the part. the play was really fun. the script was so smart, and the actors pulled if off so well. sr grace (the main char) was a rather short woman, and her co-actors (including dad) were tall men, but she was bigger than any of them. just goes to show, size doesnt matter. hahahahaha....

On the way down
I saw you, and you saved me from myself
And I won't forget the way you loved me
And on the way down
I almost fell right through
But I held on to you
-Ryan Cabrera

when the power went out, i was glad to be there. so she wouldnt be so afraid of the dark. and the dark can also be... conducive to certain things.

friday. i kept glancing at my watch during the mass in between minutes of sleep. hahaha, i know, i'm bad.
somewhere towards the end of the ceremony, i joined lex and cam on the risers as the side of the stage. they had been running around a bit taking pictures for plaid ideas. now they had settled down, and to keep myself sane from boredom, i hung around them. little bit of fooling around, before sr iris called my attention. she literally dragged me to the other side of the mpb just so she could introduce me to ms mara... the grade school teacher who looks like me... or who i look like... whichever. they even took pictures of us, and debated whether she was my mother or my sister. i already had both, haha. and i was anticipating the arrival of one right then, actually. true enough, on my way back to our side, i heard a very familiar "lara beatriz rialp!". i grinned at lalaine.
we stayed in the classroom for a while and parted ways when the show was about to start. i gave lalaine all my valuables - wallet, cellphone, key, glasses, watch (ay, nanay ko talaga, hahaha). they went into the audi while i waited with my group for our cue. we did our number, then some of us cleaned up and changed and watched the tail end of the performance.
lalaine and i met up again, and planned our next move. off to starbucks! kuya jonie got to us late, so we told sop to just meet us there. and mike had a free cut, so he was already there. family reunion time. four of us in two armchairs. we made do. hehehe. was pretty comfortable actually.
i spotted a familiar figure heading towards us. when i placed the face, i launched myself forward, with a loud "nikita!", followed by an exchange of hugs and laughs.
then sop got a text that her last class had been cancelled. we all jumped, and lalaine proceeded to coax mike into cutting his last class, to which he agreed. then i got my mom to agree to let us hang out at the house. after buying a some drinks, we hit the road. we reached home, and headed up to my room. for the next couple of hours, fun reigned.
their time was up, and the had to leave. after seeing them off i returned upstairs and lay down on bed...

if it really is dangerous, i really dont care.

In the land of dirt and plaster
Lies an army of a thousand nowhere kids
Losing ground and falling faster
Into a life that no one should have to live
-Smile Empty Soul

there's a new name in loki. Thanatos! yes, i'm back to playing ragnarok. bonding time...

somnus: bea, meet padi. padi, meet bea. kasamahan namin ni alex yan.
naz'grel: sa kalokohan?
somnus: sa lahat.

somnus: talk to me.
somnus: i'm brooding.
thanatos: i thought you were gonna pull a william hung on me. "talk to me. tell me your name."
somnus: *laughs* "she bungs! she bungs!"
thanatos: *laughs*
thanatos: dont let her get to you.
somnus: i just dont want her in our territory.
thanatos: hayaan mo na. its our territory. sino siya, diba?
somnus: tama...
somnus: alam mo... sa lahat ng kaibigan ko... ayokong ikaw ang magalit sa'kin.
thanatos: hahaha. at ikaw ang isa sa constant kong kaibigan.
somnus: *laughs* loren = k (constant)
thanatos: *laughs* but k = laging andyan.
thanatos: therefore si loren ay laging andyan.
thanatos: o! application of philo! wahahahaha!
somnus: *laughs*

Everything I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one
You wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
Give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Love me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
-3 Doors Down

and that pretty much sums it up.

And it really doesn't matter if we don't eat,
And it really doesn't matter if we never sleep,
No it really doesn't matter, really doesn't matter at all

Coz we are so young now
-The Corrs

happy birthday, maecy. countdown 1 hr and 40 mins.

i hadnt played badminton in a long (and i mean looong) time. was fun to get into the game again. maecy, agnes, kela, and me... we played doubles for an hour, then took turns playing singles. the games were serious, but every now and then a song would play over the speakers and we'd jump around, turning our rackets into guitars, and "rock out" on the court.

after wearing ourselves out, maecy's dad picked us up and brought us back to the house. jo had arrived. we kicked off our shoes and started attacking the buffet - hamburgers, chicken pop, and spag. then we went upstairs, slid a cd into their machine, and launched a videoke fest.

jo-
coz you're everywhere to me
and when i close my eyes its you i see
you're everything i know that makes me believe
i'm not alone

agnes-
i know that he loves me cause it's obvious
i know that he loves me cause it's me he trusts
and he's missing me, if he's not kissing me
and when he looks at me his brown eyes tell his soul

maecy -
sikapin mo pilitin mong
tibayan ang iyong puso
tanging ikaw ang huhubog
sa 'yong bukas
'wag mo sanang akalaing
natutulog pa ang diyos

me-
so go on, go on, come on leave me breathless
tempt me, tease me, until i can't deny this loving feeling
make me long for your kiss
go on, go on, yeah come on

we were possessed. mwahahahaha!

then we had our fill of catwoman and a whole lot more food. even though maecy was kinda dissapointed that the sleepover didnt push through, things turned out pretty well.

especially since don even dropped by unexpectedly. those two...

ahahahaha!